"zapp"

This is exaclty how she felt about bows!  LOL

I have decided to take some time away from work.  The past two and half weeks have been the worst "waves" I have had.  It is absolutely exhausting.  I talked to my therapist yesterday and I told her I was having a hard time thinking that I had to take leave from work, my job in incredibly easy and very low stress.  She told me that going through something as tragic as losing a child, just your day to day is so very exhausting.  You have no idea when the grief will hit you, how strong.  If you are out trying to meet commitments it is very difficult to constantly suppress that grief.  She described this as it "zaps" you each time and she said every time you think about Kelsie, have to walk through the baby isle in target every day...2 or 3 times a day you are constantly getting "zapped".  Every time you hear a song, say a prayer, see a baby, think of Kelsie, miss Kelsie, have a memory of Kelsie you are zapped.  By the end of the day, not only have you been zapped several times throughout your day but you have taken care of Dylan, your house responsibilities, your work responsibilities, your job responsibilities,  Jeff, finances, marriage, and everything else that we all do on a daily basis.   It is absolutely emotionally and physically exhausting. 

I am seeing my therapist now twice a week.  I am still making it through this time med free.  It takes a lot of energy but I am treading my way through.  I have had to take a break from social media for awhile.  I didn't realize how harmful it was to be standing completely still in the middle of tragedy while everyone around me went on like nothing had happened.  Now I understand that this is just the way it is and I in no way expected it to be any different but it doesn't mean it makes it easy.  Nothing about this is easy.  Even with God beside me, holding me, whispering his grace in my ear...this journey is still hard.  Last night before I got in the shower I just wished for a new life.  I did, I seriously thought that I would just trade in all this pain for everything I had.  Sometimes it just hurts that bad.  Lately I have had a lot of guilt building up inside of me the utter sadness stems from this I am sure.  I just wish we could get a do over...but the what ifs are all just a part of the grief the sadness and the missing.