Monday, January 2, 2012

Storm of Grief



I can't even clearly state exactly what stage of grief I am in currently and honestly it changes moment by moment.  Yesterday was hard-I'm pretty sure it was a tornado of 1 2 3 and 4.  I always have the hardest days when I dream about her at night.  My dreams are always of her with me.  I get to hold her, touch her and talk to her in my dreams.  When I wake up and she is not there it's like I have to loose her all over again and the storm begins just like new.  I have gone through bad breakups, even divorce, I have lost loved ones before, I miscarried, I have gone through difficult times as a child but all these pale in comparison to loosing Kelsie.  This is by the far the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure.  Going into my third month of loss I am learning how to cope better.  I can get tasks done, it no longer takes a full day to load the dishes in the dishwasher.  I have been more productive at work, not as productive as I want to be or feel like I should be but it is improving.  Days are a little less foggy, well they are still foggy but maybe the fog is not always as thick as it was at first.  But, being able to make it through just a little better does not mean it's any easier. 

I still want to talk about Kelsie, sometimes I just want to pretend she is here.  I post her pictures to face book, just as reminder to me of how cute she was, how big her eyes were, how long her eyelashes were, how chubby her cheeks were.  Just a reminder that I do have a daughter, it's just that my daughter is safe with Jesus tonight and not asleep in my arms. 

So the truth about Grief is there is no stage sequence or checklist it is basically a whirlwind of emotional drainage and physical exhaustion.  The only saving grace is that God has put amazing people in my life to help me along the way.  People that love me like Jesus would, people that pray for me daily, friends that send messages just to let me know they are thinking about me.  Friends that let me rant on and on about how depressing it is or that laugh at all my terrible jokes.  A son who wraps his arms around me every time I see him now (well as long as it is just me and him).  A husband who works so hard to get through this, for me, for Dylan.

I am still working on allowing God to mend me.  I get in the way, me!  Let go and let God...it's only 5 words and when you say it just sounds so easy.  Letting go of your self...eh I have decided that is a very very difficult thing to do.  There is not a self help book on that...trust me I have browsed though all of Amazon's self help selection.   Then when I stop and think about how I should be handling this, am I praying enough, am I allowing God to seep through me, am I what God intends me to be?  I don't know, some days I can pray some days I can't.  Sometimes I read devotions, sometimes I read about other Christians who have lost and I wonder is I should mirror their reaction.  They seemed to get through this ok.  They have found their other side.  But in the end this is my pasture, this is my dry land that I have to water and tend to in order to see the rolling hills of green land again.  So I suppose the best way is just the way it is.  There is no right way just someway, I can't really say my way because if I had my way...I wouldn't even have this blog.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. 

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

4 comments:

  1. I love ya'll!!! My prayers are constant. Mom

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  2. Sweet Summer, on my way home from work yesterday a song came on the radio. The moment the chorus came on I heard a sweet angel voice telling me to tell you.....she's here mommy she is with you wherever you are. By the end of the song I was in tears and when I read this blog post this morning I just had to relay the message. I know it's not the same as having her in your arms but Kelsie is here and is touching so many lives. Love you sweet Summer and it is my day to one day cross paths in person so I can give you a hug:)The song goes a little something like this....

    I'm already there
    Take a look around
    I'm the sunshine in your hair
    I'm the shadow on the ground
    I'm the whisper in the wind
    I'm your imaginary friend
    And I know I'm in your prayers
    Oh, I'm already there

    I'm already there
    Don't make a sound
    I'm the beat in your heart
    I'm the moonlight shining down
    I'm the whisper in the wind
    And I'll be there until the end
    Can you feel the love that we share?
    Oh, I'm already there

    We may be a thousand miles apart
    But I'll be with you wherever you are

    I'm already there
    Take a look around
    I'm the sunshine in your hair
    I'm the shadow on the ground
    I'm the whisper in the wind
    And I'll be there until the end
    Can you feel the love that we share?
    Oh, I'm already there

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  3. You said it honey. It is yours and God's. While it is so universal, our losses are still unique. Even now, I find myself going through all the stages. Maybe the difference now is that it's just not so raw most every day. That doesn't mean there are no longer days that it's not raw and new again. Just hold on, keep on writing, keep on sharing. With Shane I didn't and in the long run and though it took 3 years to happen, I ended up with 13 shock treatments in one months time because of major depression that led to many other things. I also turned my back on God. With Aaron, it was a much different loss and a thousand times harder, but even with the alcoholism of the first two years, I still had God and I let others in. I shared and expressed and wrote and I've been through a bunch of "projects" through many mistakes, etc, etc, but I turned to those God had already placed in my life and somewhat to others who've ventured in since. Whatever it takes, honey, and it always takes him. And I don't mean run out and get drunk, etc., I just mean don't worry about getting THERE. I am not certain there's a THERE here on this earth but as you see, you do experience certain coping mechanisms and you certainly have many to support you and love you for the rest of your life. I could still lose Greg or Lisa in my life or any of the others, but deep inside I know I've been through probably the hardest thing I'll ever go through and that's it I guess. It is the through word, not the over or around. You are never forgotten and we want to share in it with you. When you don't write for a few days, it is noticed, whether it's commented on or not. Love, love and yes, I believe what the first commenter said. No, it's not the same, but I know you feel her there with you at times. She is alive and one day you will join her again. I know at times that doesn't seem possible. In a way, it's like waiting on their birth, like it will never arrive, or even our own deaths, it seems impossible, yet it is for sure! It's coming! Until then, just keep on keeping on. I say that often but there is really no other way to describe it. Other joys will come though, especially since you have Dylan. The joys of marriage will return too. The joys of other relationships. I love my Weston, my Preslee, my Zach, Jesika, Roy, Kayla and Zaiden. Outside of pushing in on my God, Greg and Lisa are my life. My parents were always a huge part of my world, but no, it didn't rip my heart apart to bury them like it did to bury Aaron. You've done one of the hardest things you'll ever do and if you outlive Jeff and Dylan you've done the hardest thing you'll ever do. Yes, you've done it and you are doing it. I love you.

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  4. Remind me to share with you sometime about Doug asking God to see Aaron's face one more time. It was part of the original manuscript the 4 th or 5 th time around anyway :) but is no longer there. I have it somewhere, on a flash drive or something. It will bless you I think!

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