Wednesday, January 4, 2012


When the dawn breaks and my eyes open to the new day that has come, I look down to this new face, this new joy that has arrived.  Careful to not wake her I move my arm to bring her close, close enough to kiss her little forehead.  I smell the crown of her head as I have done so many times since she came into this world.  I love her smell.  Sleepless nights, sweet cries, and around the clock feedings are such a joy, my cup overfloweth.  As the days pass and her personality grows I spend my days and nights loving her, teaching her, holding her and kissing her.  The first time she smiled my heart leaped.  Each morning as I peaked in her crib and her beautiful brown eyes lit up just at the sight of me I knew my life, my love, my family had never been more complete.  Just as all little ladies do, when faced with moments that just didn't go her way, she would scream.  I loved being the one to calm her, I loved holding her close, finding different ways to turn her screams into comfort.  I finished each workday smiling because I knew when I went to pick up my little girl she would smile so big just to see me.  Each day my heart expanded and it was filled with love from this angel; surely one so great she must have been sent from above. 

When the dawn breaks and my eyes open to this new day that has come, I look down to an empty pink blanket. A tear falls because now the joy, the smell, our time with her is over.  I am reminded of her presence all through out my day.  I constantly pray and work on focusing on all the joy, the family, the life that I still have but where my heart had once expanded to make room for new life it is now barren.  There is nothing that can take it's place or fill it's void.  I must find ways to grow beautiful things around this abyss.  Her death was too sudden and too unexpected and the time is still too short to even truly know how to exist in this new journey.  So for now I remember the joy that just three months ago flowed from the top of my head to the tip of my toes and I cling to the grace and the faith that is my gift.  I pray for a better tomorrow and search for seeds to plant so that someday my expanded emptiness, although will always be empty, it might have a beautiful view.  Until the day, when my time here is done and I can lay with her once again.

When the dawn breaks and my eyes open to this new place, this amazing place a tear drops from my eye as I look down at the daughter I have missed so much and I kiss her forehead.  There is no more hurt, there is no more emptiness, heaven is no longer so far away it is my home and my tears are now tears of joy.  For all the loved ones that may out live me, look to the stars, just as I did every night. There I am and the bright light next me is Kelsie's halo and together we shine bright so you all know that once again my cup overfloweth.


  1. I remember when you would tell me you and Kelsie would have to have "talks" about her screaming when she couldn't reach something or things didnt go her way!! She must have taken after her redheaded cousin!!! They are precious, and oh how Preslee adored her, she still names her babies Kelsie. The one thing that gets me through everyday is knowing that you will hold her again, and when that happens you will regain that smile you once had and the light will be back in your eyes. And once we all get to get there our family will be complete again. Faith without it we would be lost. I love you Summer, with all of my heart.

  2. I find myself looking forward to your posts. I love to read them and see that in spite of this amazing pain, God has given you the ability to write these wonderful posts! I think of you often and every time I do, I pray with tears in my eyes for you and your family. I can't tell you how much seeing this blog has changed me. I have seen what God has done and continues to do in you and through you. I don't know if you realize it or not, but you have become an amazing blessing in several people's lives by having the courage and strength to be honest and write what you feel. Thank you, Summer!