Where is my quiet resting place? When does my soul rest? My days are chaos, my nights are dreams that are at times so cruel. To live each day, to pretend in so many ways, as if I am not drowning, as if I am brave, I am strong, then "crash" reality hits...crashes to the shore and the tears fall and my heart breaks, it breaks all over again. The hurt is just like new every time this happens. You have to go on living you just have to. I wish it were 1850 and I could wear black for at least 6 months and everyone would know I was grieving I would not have to pretend and I would not be expected to just go on. Now days our world moves so fast I am expected to move on to be able to function. Two months is a lifetime in our world and if I were grieving the way my heart and my body would like to I would be in bed everyday and by now many of you would be planning some sort of intervention. I would just lay there, I would pray, I would cry, I would read, I would watch bad lifetime movies and eat chocolate M&M's and kettle corn until I puked it up. My house would run a muck and I would leave everything out, I would sing into the tip of my shoes, "lord make me a rainbow I'll shine down for my mother, she'll know I am safe with you when she stands under my colors, life ain't always what you think it ought to be, ain't even grey and I buried my baby" I would, no doubt, be Sandra Bullock in PS I love you, she does not leave her apartment for weeks after her husband dies. Working on the perfect illusion of strength is absolutely freakn (I only use that word to keep it PG) exhausting. I am tired, I am broken everyday I pray for a moment of normalcy. I just want to be...nothing specific just...be.
One important lesson I am learning through this is how important it is to know your body...truly know yourself. Recognize yourself for what and who you truly are. Grief literally does come in waves. Thank the Lord for that, my young but wise sister says that there is no way one person could experience the magnitude of this is one swoop. So it comes in waves. I am learning to listen to my body learning to know when the strong current and the waves of a strong tide start creeping in. I am learning what my triggers are and when my perfect storm is about to break loose.
Today I really wanted to see my sister in Granbury. I did not get to leave early enough to avoid traffic. I knew that the stress of that drive and my emotional state today would have made the perfect storm...I had to avoid it. As much as I needed to and wanted to see my sisters I knew I was not emotionally capable to deal with all the triggers that were negatively aligning...traffic, whiny kiddo, traffic, did I mention Dallas traffic?!!
I know that starting around 4:00 every afternoon I have to be done with my store visits. I am emotionally not capable of functioning at the level I need to. My mind, my body, my soul is darkened by the fact that I will not be picking up my daughter from the sitter. Two months after her death and 57 days of not picking her up I still want to. I still cry when I know that I will not...not ever.