Friday, December 9, 2011

It's Messy

"My people shall dwell in quiet resting places." Isaiah 32:18

Where is my quiet resting place?  When does my soul rest?  My days are chaos, my nights are dreams that are at times so cruel.  To live each day, to pretend in so many ways, as if I am not drowning, as if I am brave, I am strong, then "crash" reality hits...crashes to the shore and the tears fall and my heart breaks, it breaks all over again.  The hurt is just like new every time this happens.  You have to go on living you just have to.  I wish it were 1850 and I could wear black for at least 6 months and everyone would know I was grieving I would not have to pretend and I would not be expected to just go on.  Now days our world moves so fast I am expected to move on to be able to function.  Two months is a lifetime in our world and if I were grieving the way my heart and my body would like to I would be in bed everyday and by now many of you would be planning some sort of intervention.  I would just lay there, I would pray, I would cry, I would read, I would watch bad lifetime movies and eat chocolate M&M's and kettle corn until I puked it up.  My house would run a muck and I would leave everything out, I would sing into the tip of my shoes, "lord make me a rainbow I'll shine down for my mother, she'll know I am safe with you when she stands under my colors, life ain't always what you think it ought to be, ain't even grey and I buried my baby"  I would, no doubt,  be Sandra Bullock in PS I love you, she does not leave her apartment for weeks after her husband dies. Working on the perfect illusion of strength is absolutely freakn  (I only use that word to keep it PG) exhausting.  I am tired, I am broken everyday I pray for a moment of normalcy.  I just want to be...nothing specific

One important lesson I am learning through this is how important it is to know your body...truly know yourself.  Recognize yourself for what and who you truly are.  Grief literally does come in waves.  Thank the Lord for that, my young but wise sister says that there is no way one person could experience the magnitude of this is one swoop.  So it comes in waves.  I am learning to listen to my body learning to know when the strong current and the waves of a strong tide start creeping in.  I am learning what my triggers are and when my perfect storm is about to break loose.

Today I really wanted to see my sister in Granbury.  I did not get to leave early enough to avoid traffic.  I knew that the stress of that drive and my emotional state today would have made the perfect storm...I had to avoid it.  As much as I needed to and wanted to see my sisters I knew I was not emotionally capable to deal with all the triggers that were negatively aligning...traffic, whiny kiddo, traffic, did I mention Dallas traffic?!!

I know that starting around 4:00 every afternoon I have to be done with my store visits.  I am emotionally not capable of functioning at the level I need to. My mind, my body, my soul is darkened by the fact that I will not be picking up my daughter from the sitter.   Two months after her death and 57 days of not picking her up I still want to.  I still cry when I know that I will not...not ever.

I share my thoughts, my messiness, because I need to remember that in all this chaos, I can find rest.   A friend recently sent me the Selah CD I listen to You Deliver Me over and over again.  I pause it and I wait...and I wait...nothing...I play it again and again and eventually I have sung loud enough and I have prayed hard enough that a peace comes.  It is subtle and brief but it is my refuge for that day.  My heart stops pounding, and a slow steady beat resides, my mind is quiet, my head does not feel heavy.  It takes a while to dig through myself to find this place.  I have to let go, I have to surrender, I have to face what is reality and then it's comes.  It leaves quickly but then it takes a while for grief to flood my spirit once again. I say a while, sometimes minutes, sometimes hours. But even in just those minutes, for me, for my soul, it is a lifetime.  It is a glimpse of the hope that is waiting for me at the other end.


  1. I wish I could help make you feel better. I know I can't and I know it's not much, but anytime you want to pile up and watch cheesy Lifetime movies and eat a bunch of food, I'm your girl! You don't have to prepare anything or clean the house or anything. Just jammies, food, and Valerie Bertinelli. Girls' movie night, anytime! -Jess

  2. Summer, I feel the same way so often. I think how can everything just keep moving so fast when for so long it is like our world has stopped? Some days I am cruising along, going with the speed of life around me and then like you put it another wave comes and the burden of grief that I carry day to day just comes. And somehow the Lord in his mercy gives me the grace to keep going and even find joy in today. I really do not know if there will be a time that tears/joy/sorrow are not all intermingled in my life. I too am just so thankful for hope.

  3. I pray that you do take time to grieve. It is a process, and must be sorted through properly. When those emotions do rise, feel them, embrace the wave, and wait for the tide to bring you back to shore. I think that's why they took a year to wear black to grieve. You need it.

    I know I can not do much to help you, but I also pray that I can intercede with prayer, and somedaysaybe pray for the things you can not. I know God hears every prayer your heart makes enjoy that rest when you can.

    I will pray and hope for precious time with sisters, and little traffic!!

  4. Yesterday SUCKED!!!!! I couldn't figure it out, there were really no triggers, just overwhelming saddness and anger, I was mad at the world and that is not me. Then this morning I read this blog and I knew. My saddness is for you, my anger is because I will never hear her call me granma. It seems my waves are your waves, my soul just knows when your days are unbearable and I can't do a damn thing about it, and that just makes me angry! People are constantly asking me how I'm doing, how's Summer, how's Jeff and I say, okay, but I'm thinking why, why do you ask because you really don't want to know the truth, because it isn't pretty. Our family will never be the same, but I have to believe that someday, someday we will be better. Until then, baby girl, we will ride the waves with you and know that Jesus will carry us through. I love you so much, mom

  5. I just recently discovered your blog. If you don't mind me asking, how did your baby pass away? I am very sorry for your loss.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss, Whit sent me over here. Just know we're all praying for you. hugs!!!
    tempguestbrief from xanga

  7. Whit sent me too.I am a dad to two girls. I can only imagine your pain.I am very very sorry for your loss.
    You will be in my prayers.
    Stay strong.

  8. I'm Whitneys Aunt Marsha...I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I lost my oldest son to cancer, but I had him for 28 years, that was almost 9 years ago and it still seems like yesterday. I think the thing that has helped me the most was the chaplain at the hospital talked to me one day, she said "you've been acting like your son is your possession when he actually belongs to God, you are his caretaker on earth but he is Gods child". We are all Gods children and he will take care of us...I found some peace in those thoughts...I hope you find Peace also and wear black for as long as you want...Hugs and Prayers for you and yours....Marsha

  9. Came here from Whit's site.
    I pray for peace and love in your heart, and above all, I pray that you have another baby soon, so you can live life again and be grateful that you had six months with your previous princess.

  10. Ahh, yes, the black, it so needs to be. And yes, it's crazy when people ask, but knowing they are people who just want you to know they care. Surely they know that nobody is fine. One day you will be fine, pretty girl, one day you will be. It won't be the same as it was a few months ago, but it won't be this constant torment and pain. Eventually, and who knows when, the painful days will be so very spaced apart that your body and ,ind will be able to vacation from it in a strange way. I say strange because it never ever leaves your mind, but at least it isn't torment. Seems like it took a year for my bed to quit shaking when I slept in it, and I mean that literally. It shook because my body never quit shaking. I know because Greg and Aarons grandmother and anyone whoever slept next to me mentioned it. I told Jess it seemed like it was from April to Feb that I felt some hint or whisper of hope around the corner. Eventually, about a couple of years ago, I even hit a point of thinking I would never ever be sad, horribly sad again, but that was another phase. So many phases, but what happens is that time does pass and at first little tiny pieces of happiness creep in, then bigger pieces, then the sorrow comes less, is less crushing. Finally, and it does happen so fast, finally, so much time has passed and when you least expect it, boom, there is the huge heavy weight of it. It's no longer about the anniversaries or anything except maybe some sensory thing like the weather or a certain smell. But now, nearly eight years later, it doesn't stay forever the way it once did. Christmas is always a toughie for me, but it may not be for you since Christmas memories won't be there concerning Kelsie specifically. Now, today, I mostly feel like Rip Van Winkle who slept for so many years and so much passed. Other people got on with their lives while mine slept. Now I feel funny saying too much about him, not because of me, but because I feel that I've worn others out with it. But I never ever quit thinking about that boy, I never want to quit, I just say less. I tell you these things not out of knowing it all, but just sort of half remembering myself because I used to ask everyone, "How long?" your writing is beautiful. I read it earlier at Jess's on the framed pictures of you little girls, and I am telling you again, you are allowed much at this point, so use it because when you have these kind of days much later on, it will bewilder those who aren't close to you, so rest, baby, rest, cry, binge, watch movies with your sister, laugh hysterically, record everything, shop and know that your Father and family and friends are here, you can fall back on us and we will catch you! Can't use paragraphs here with my iPad or who knows maybe I can but as far as I'm concerned, this comment is just one run on sentence anyway. I love you, precious baby girl!