Monday, December 12, 2011

Letter to Heaven

Kelsie Sloane,

I miss you tonight, just as I do every day, every minute, every second.  I went through some old pictures of Dylan tonight.  He was (is) such a cutie.  I laughed, I cried, I thought about all the moments I have to miss with you.  I was really looking forward to having a daughter. 

You know when I first found out I was having a little girl, I skipped going back to work and I went to Babies R Us.  I just stood in the middle of the little girls clothes and I cried.  How was I going to switch from stinky feet, noisy farts, boogers, and dirt to pink bows and frilly clothes.  Then you where here and having a daughter was the sweetest gift.  Loving you, the pink bows, the frilly clothes was so easy and so much fun.  I dressed you up in all of your most uncomfortable, but super cute outfits. I found myself in the bow section of every store.  I did my best to keep the bows in your hair (they always ended on the ground or around you neck).  I loved putting the cute little socks on you.  They always fell off but oh my goodness you where so cute in them.  I never imagined that you would one day, so soon, be gone.  Yesterday you would have been 8 months, geez 8 months.  I had to not think about it too much.  I want to, but now a days I have to guide my thoughts elsewhere.  I do feel guilty for doing this sometimes, but just know sweet girl, it's just something I have to do because I miss you so so much.  I do not do it to forget you, I do it to live, to love, for you!

You have a stocking, right in the middle of our family.  It's so so hard to think about you gone.  It's getting harder to see your pictures and right now all the videos I used to watch over and over are tucked away for another day.  I just weep everytime I see you.

Missy I just wish we were celebrating all your 8 month milestones tonight and not mourning your absence.  Somehow it just doesn't seem fair.  Not fair, but it is my story.  You, my borrowed angel, are my happiness and your loss is my sadness.  The beginning has begun and the happy ending is so very very far away.   I do hope heaven is sweet to you and I am certain all our loved ones most be adoring your never ending smile and those big brown eyes.  I am sure you have made their heaven richer.  I know you made my life so much richer.  Which makes loosing you just that much harder to swallow. 

Tonight my thoughts are of you and heaven, and God, and love, and loss, and faith, and life, and mercy, and deliverence, and you mostly you and everything that you were and everything that I dreamed you would be! 

My daughter, my light, my love
My heart just misses you so much!



  1. My sweet sister, this becomes more unbelievable every day, I found myself asking did this really happen? Does my sister really not have her daughter? I really just can't believe it and then it hits me, that burning deep pain that is really always there but at times it is just so unbearable. I love you. I remember you being scared to have a girl but I knew you would love her so much and the bond is so different than with our boys. They hold different places in our hearts but the amount of love is the same. I would give anything for you to have her back, for this pain and suffering you and Jeff are feeling to be gone. All I can do is love you, I just wish there was more.

  2. I just love you so much and I am praying for you through this holidy season.

  3. I love you both so much. I am just so sorry for this awful pain. Like Jess, I just want to do more and there is nothing I can do but just love you and pray for each of you. Your bond is so strong. Lisa has been good for Jess but also feels so helpless. This is such a God only thing thatnaffects an entire family. Just know that He is God, He sets the sun, races the tide, places the stars. His ways are not ours, they are beyond us. We use such a tiny portion of our own brains, how can we know the entire mind of God. I do know He is perfect and this too shall be perfected and has an eternal purpose. Oh, I believe this certainly has that. Of course, that does mot relieve the pain nor fill the void but sweethearts, it does lend hope as we begin to watch and anticipate what God is up to. It is big, has already and was always and will be big. If it is not that, the Word is a lie and I don't believe that. No, I don't believe that at all. You are not wrong to veer your thinking. I felt guilty for the days I couldn't read your blog, but during my crushing times I had to veer another way too. You take care of yourself and know that your God watches over you. You are allowed so much during this time. No one of us jere have perfected the grief thing except to just hold on. Many are praying for you to a loving Father!

  4. Jesus,Jesus, the sweetness of the your name on my lips is the only thing that gets me through. The saddness and the pain in my heart is more that I think I can bear. And if it is more than I can bear what about my sweet daughter and my precious son-in-law their's is a hundred fold of mine. Please Jesus, help us all,we miss her so much. granma