Thursday, December 8, 2011


I can always feel this knot in my stomach, you know that knot you get when you leave the house frantically and you just know you have forgotten the most important thing you needed that day.  That knot times 100. As the 11th day of each month comes that knot becomes more and more unbearable as each day gets me closer to another missed milestone.  It is harder and harder to "control" my chaos.  I miss her so much.  I see brown haired little girls and there's this tug at my heart.  I wish parents never had to loose their children.  There is so so much that can never be replaced.  Whoever coined the phrase "time heals all wounds" must have never truly lost anything of real importance.  Time is relative, I understand that things probably will get easier, but I am convinced you are truly never healed.  Honestly most days I have to guide my thoughts elsewhere, thinking about Kelsie and the fact that she is gone is just too much.  I have to be better at my job, I have to be a better mom a better wife and I just can't incorporate being better at anything and grieving.  It's even harder to write because it brings in so many thoughts and so many emotions right to the surface.  The hardest thing about this is knowing that it just never ends, the heartache will always be a part of my life until I see her again.  I can find moments of peace and the moments may even turn into days eventually, but that knot is always...ALWAYS there to remind me.

I miss those chubby cheeks, her sweet scent, big brown eyes, and the sweetest smile, so sweet my heart sang every time I made her laugh.  Someone so special she could only be an angel, I just wish she could have been our on earth!


  1. I love you and your blogs. It's so true about whoever said that must not have ever truely lost. I am not one that understand loss. Especially a child. I can honestly say my faith or lack there of has never helped me understand why such things happen. One day I'm sure it will be explained to me by Jesus himself, but until then my heart jut continues to hurt for you and so many. Keep writing your beautiful blogs. I love you dear friend

  2. At bible study this morning my heart and mind kept going to your heart and mind. I kept reading this verse over and over an I wanted to share it with you...

    Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed - in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

    1 Corinthians 15

    I love you so much!

  3. i love you, so much!!!! mom

  4. Your loss will never leave, honey, but that knot will. It will. The tears, they will always be there, but that knot and excruciating pain will leave, I do believe that. It is still so very early, oh God, I know you hate to hear that, because I know it seems like forever already. The thing I used to hate the very most is that my brain and body felt like they were on fire. I think of you every, every day. The 11th, today, I know, extra, extra hard. Just minute by minute, sweetheart. Don't think too far into the future right now. We already know our futures can be shortened in an instant. You are loved by many and you are writing sweet honesty. I love you!

  5. We lit a candle and shared your darling's photos tonight at the worldwide Compassionate Friends ceremony. You might google them. Candles were lit all over the world tonight for children, grandchildren and siblings.