I can always feel this knot in my stomach, you know that knot you get when you leave the house frantically and you just know you have forgotten the most important thing you needed that day. That knot times 100. As the 11th day of each month comes that knot becomes more and more unbearable as each day gets me closer to another missed milestone. It is harder and harder to "control" my chaos. I miss her so much. I see brown haired little girls and there's this tug at my heart. I wish parents never had to loose their children. There is so much...so so much that can never be replaced. Whoever coined the phrase "time heals all wounds" must have never truly lost anything of real importance. Time is relative, I understand that things probably will get easier, but I am convinced you are truly never healed. Honestly most days I have to guide my thoughts elsewhere, thinking about Kelsie and the fact that she is gone is just too much. I have to be better at my job, I have to be a better mom a better wife and I just can't incorporate being better at anything and grieving. It's even harder to write because it brings in so many thoughts and so many emotions right to the surface. The hardest thing about this is knowing that it just never ends, the heartache will always be a part of my life until I see her again. I can find moments of peace and the moments may even turn into days eventually, but that knot is always...ALWAYS there to remind me.
I miss those chubby cheeks, her sweet scent, big brown eyes, and the sweetest smile, so sweet my heart sang every time I made her laugh. Someone so special she could only be an angel, I just wish she could have been our angel...here on earth!