Thursday, May 17, 2012

The End of Myself

The end of myself.

As a woman, a human, a mother, a wife, a lover, a friend, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter all that I give is at the end of myself. 

The end of yourself, this is where tragic loss takes you.  It leaves you gripping so tight for some sort of what was.  What can I grip to, hold on to?  Air, there is nothing to hold onto at the end of myself.  At the end of myself, I am able to look back at who I am.  I can see myself for what I am.  I am not talking about some "pitiful me" state of mind, but an over abundant need for mercy state of mind.  I now know that I can not rely on my circumstances for happiness.  I did that for far too long.  The right "man" would make me happy, the right house, the right dog, the right job, a big family, the perfect body, the perfect kid, on and on.  With one tragic loss, with one phone call, with one moment, I found myself at the end of myself and my circumstances were just that...circumstances.  I have no control...I HAVE NO CONTROL...III  HHHAVVEE NOOO COOOONNNTTRRROOLL!!  

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher, "Utterly meaningless!  Everything is meaningless." Eccelesiastes 1:2

I searched for meaning for so long, so damn long. Always, I came up short.  That was until I was forced to the end of myself.  At the end of myself, with nothing left, and the "control factor" forced out, I  begin to look into my soul.  I begin to look up to the One, the very One who created my very being and shaped my existence. With my eyes wide open to the brokenness of this world I truly have no choice, there is no hope for me in this world.   My hope runs deep through my being and into my soul.  God has made Himself known.  Tears begin to fall because I am in awe of the way my Abba unfolds the creases for me.  He lifts my eyes, He holds my tears.  He whispers divine hints.  He brings my daughter to me in dreams when I need her most.  He plants daisies for me.   He maps out my world.  He is my author and my perfecter of this immeasurable faith He has gifted me. 

At the end of myself, how do I still have "stuff" to give.  How do I continue and build relationships?  I have no idea.  I wonder sometimes if I am still in some sort of shock phase.   I smile, somehow, I smile every day.  When I smile, I think to myself "why in the world are you smiling Summer, you are not actually smiling".  When I see a picture of my smile, I clearly see the result of that internal conversation refelcted in my smile.  The ends of my lips do not curl up naturally like they used to, my brain takes longer to process that this is a "smiling situation".  It happens, it happens a lot but it is not an easy task.  At the end of myself even my smile is striped away. 

When tragedy forced me to the end of myself, with nothing to hold onto, with everything that I had put my hope into shattered, I started shoving anchors into to every piece of ground I could.  These anchors continually hold my soul in place through each and every body quivering storm.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,   where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6:19,20

I miss Keslie with every inch of my body.  I miss being her mom.  I miss pink.  I miss peek a boo.  I miss 4 am wake up calls.  I miss laughter.  I miss being needed.  I miss changing her diapers.  I miss rocking her to sleep.  I miss her screams.  I miss I miss I miss.  At the end of myself I miss Kelsie.

8 comments:

  1. I know you miss her at the beginning , middle and end. It is so hard to read this one ( I read it twice , once crying and the other trying not to) it's hard because I know this , I know your smile isn't the one I have known for 30 years. I know that you are gasping for air on a daily basis. I pray Summer that everyday you find another anchor , and eventually some of these anchors will bring that smile back close to what it once was. I will never expect it to be there completely, at least not until we are both in heaven and then it will be there! I love you so much!

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    1. This is so beautiful and so sad. You don't have to be anything other than what you are, both of you, all of you! The greatest thing anyone ever told me was: just tell me how we're feeling today.

      She, my cousin, was very serious. She was there for me and however I felt, she felt it too. That wasnt anything to do with death but with a momentous decision, still, she was very serious and to me, that was pure love without hesitation or judgement.

      Doesn't get so much easier, upon reflection, but more like other joys come in and fill up some of the emptiness's raw burning pain. Summer, the other night your mom said at our group that if there was a "right" way to grieve, you are doing it right. I know that you know our Savior and I know your family, I know you will be okay in spite of the fact that these days will possibly always come, but it will be less. I do know that because to a large degree, I even fought against that happening but God and the love of family here slowly took over that. I love you!

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    2. My Sweet Melba,

      How I love you for walking in the trenches with me, beside me and for me.

      Thank you.

      De'on,

      I always look forward to your words...always.

      Love You
      Summer

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  2. I love you Summer!

    I love, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." And although I have described my own anchors that the Lord has given to me, I had not recalled this particular verse. LOVE that. Thank you for sharing!!

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    1. Sweet Jaci! Because of you, I will always carry with me the word picture for anchor. I will always remember sitting at the park and you pounding your fist into the table putting up anchor after anchor.

      Thank you for the fresheners...truly was an answer to prayer.

      Love You
      Summer

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  3. Love ya more than you know.

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  4. My sweet, sweet Summer, I love you so much! I can't even imagine your missing. I know how much I miss what will never be, this side of heaven. How I miss the smile and sparkle in your eyes that died with Kelsie. My tears, my tears, are tears of so much sadness mixed with so much joy. I miss the you that was and I prasie God for the you that, through His grace and mercy, is my daughter today. Will we ever have happiness again? My answer to that question is--It is okay if happiness is in our past, because the joy that comes only from our Abba, always comes in the morning light, it is real and cannot be touched by tragedy or lifes circummstances.
    As much as I miss what once was, I am so thankful for your smile today even if it is forced. It is the smile God has given you for now and I know that someday I will see the sparkle for eternity.
    You are an amazing testimony to how awesome our God is. I love you so very much!!!!!!!!!!! love mom

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