I can only say that I spent this mothers day without Kelsie in my arms. To say it was without her just isn't true. Jeff sent me daisys with a note from him and a note from above. A gift from Dylan; a daisy charm to place right next to his football charm on my pandora bracelet. A daisy necklace hung from my neck all day. I held on to it throughout the day. "The missing" was everywhere. The beginning of the day was tough. We all had to feel our way through it. This day was not just hard for me but equally if not more hard on Jeff and Dylan who worry about me and miss miss miss Kelsie just as much as I do. Jeff is an amazing husband who adores me, he treasures me, he treasures us. He worked so hard to make this day special for me, knowing that he was just a hamster spinning his little wheel over and over. I am not saying that this day was not special but the doublesidedness (is that a word?) of this day is just too much to try to explain.
Well let me try...grief's emotions are weird! They are! Mothers Day...just as sad as it was happy. I am not talking about a grey area of "okayness". I am describing two separate emotions one black one white existing together in the same moment. There has got to be a big word that describes this somewhere. The constant back and forth left me exhausted and longing for an escape. I played in the dirt and crafted until each door in my house hung a wreath.
I have to be honest, the days leading up to Mothers day I began separating myself from God. I put my studies in the corner along with my bible and just glanced every now and then at the stack of "air" that I set aside. I would like to say that the time I spent out of God's word, I spent in prayer but that's not true. Every night I carried all five of my studies with me to bed and just set them to the side. A silent stare and then sleep. This is where accountability kinda bit me in the hiney. I have a commitment to three of these studies to meet with and fellowship with others. I have some catching up to do. This morning I started with a message delivered from God through Priscilla Shire.
Now to him who is
able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power
that is at work within us, to him be glory in
the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
The now hit me, tears fell from my face reading this passage, focusing on the now. Watching Priscilla illustrate this message.
Now! In my circumstance, in the weirdness of emotions that grief exhibits. Now! In my missing, in the silent stares before I sleep. I have never ever heard God more clear. Tears fall. How could this be? In the middle of this seemingly impossible situation, and in the midst of my failing but faithful heart God says to me. "Today Summer! Today! I am able to do immeasurably more than you can ask, actually more than you could even imagine to ask. I am able to do this by the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in you. This power is yours because of Him. Sing My praises...Glory to Him in the church and in Christ Jesus generation after generation for ever and ever AMEN!!" It's not yesterday, it's not too late and it's not tomorrow, I know all to well that tomorrow is not promised-NOW-in this moment in this season. God whispers..."Put down the glue gun...slowly, gently set the glue gun down. Just ask, if you need Me, just ask for Me."