Oh people, I was ready for the tsunami. I shoved my anchors in the ground. I wrote about the terrible wave just to make sure the storm knew I was ready. My windows all boarded up, sand bags surrounding the perimeter. For days I felt like I was running around dreading the pain, begging pleading "please not again". It was so loud. I even sent a text to a friend..."I can't stay quiet enough to listen to the Lord".
Then a song, while I am in the shower, "Word of God Speak" by Mercy Me. Oh my goodness Summer Rae, you have been so busy defending yourself from this supposed storm that you forgot about me, your Healer, your Love, your Father. I sang the rest of the song, completely off key and I am pretty sure I made up my own words for most of the song, but in the shower I have always been a diva type of singer! Then I knew I had to dive into my Hebrews study. I didn't make it through one chapter before I feel asleep...I crashed hard. When I woke, my bible lay open across my chest, the seam in the middle of my heart. The fear, the dread was lifted. What I find so special about this; I didn't try and dissect each scripture, I was not immersed in His word, reading each word waiting for God to speak. I simply sat still for two minutes and the Lord gave me the rest I needed and placed His word over my heart to protect me while I slept. I thanked Him, I sang praises to the top of my lungs on my way to Dylan's baseball game. (I am a diva kind of singer in the car as well)
Was that pain real...you bet it was, but in my since of urgency to protect myself, I forgot that I have a protector. This leads me into why grief is sweet.
Last night I went upstairs to tuck my sweet boy into his bed. I walked in to a teary eyed boy. "Oh Dylan, what is wrong?" "Mom, I just miss Kelsie, tonight I thought about her everywhere. I miss her in the kitchen, I really miss her in the mornings." I immediately slipped off my flip flops and crawled into his bed. I curled up beside this young man, and I told him "I know sweet boy, I miss her so much. Do you want to look at some pictures?" "Yes" he said. So I went to the other room a grabbed my iPhone. When I slipped back into his bed we spent 30 or 40 minutes looking at every picture on the phone. Laughing at all of the Kelsie faces, she really did have so many funny faces. We watched videos. We laughed, we cried, we remembered her in the sweetest way. We embraced the moments we had with her. I then read Noah's Ark to Dylan, and we talked about the promises of God and I told him "Just like God followed through on His promises for Noah, He will follow through on His promises to us. He loves you, He loves me, He loves Jeff. I then asked Dylan if he wanted to pray. He said he did so I did. I prayed with my son, I can not recall one single word I said during that prayer. The Holy Spirit interceded for me and when I said Amen, tears streamed from my face and from Dylan's.
Let me make a disclosure before I continue. Please know that my time with Dylan was completely and totally God. I do not normally pray with my son, and we have not read the bible together since he was a toddler. I argued with God numerous times while we were looking at pictures about reading Noah's Ark and then praying. I was worried that my kiddo would think it was weird for me to do these things, because I normally would not. God is greater and He knows my son better than me. Dylan never hesitated Before I left him to his sleep. I thanked Dylan for allowing me to have this time with him. I told him that it meant a lot for me to be able to talk about Kelsie with him and to cry about Kelsie with him. I told him that it is very special for you to allow me to pray with you. He sweetly said "me too mom". As I closed his door, I closed my eyes, and I lifted my chin and softly mouthed the words "thank You".
Today I realize that grief, while yes it is mostly all consuming, when you have a counselor as great as God, it can be sweet.