There is a song that says "we are all just a phone call away". Until that phone call is yours, until the reality of, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh" steps from your front porch into your home you just don't want to imagine. My phone call came October 13, 2011. The Lord, for reasons I will never know on this side of heaven, received my little girl into His arms and left me with this numb fog that resides in me, above me, and beside me, day after day. When that phone call is yours, how do you trust in a sovereign God? If I believe in Jesus and I believe in a God that created the moon, the stars, the sun, than I also have to believe Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Woah...wait a minute, I have to have faith that my daughters death, me without her: a life of pink converse, curly brown hair, sweet baby kisses, a laugh that would melt my heart is gone and now not only is she gone I have to have faith, that this is God's "good" purpose. **Disclosure**never never never read this scripture, quote this scripture, or come close to saying this scripture to any one who has just lost someone, this is their journey and God, who is ever so faithful, will at sometime hold their hand when it is their time to wrestle with this.**
On day two (October14), day one was chaos there was nothing in day one, I opened my eyes from a weird unearthly slumber and I looked towards heaven. I mumbled something like please please please oh God please. I think I wanted to say, teach me God, guide me God, LOVE me Lord please please please. That morning, though I had no idea, I began to make Jesus the author and perfecter of my faith. He tugged and pulled at my chin keeping my eyes on Him. He pulls my heart out of the black pit of grief and He, time and time again, takes me to the cross. He teaches me love, peace, joy, faith. In this numb fog, he has given me discernment. A friend described His word "it's my air", yes that's it. It's my air. When I can't breath He breathes life into me through his word. Because of His word I can trust and have faith in a sovereign God that will give and will take away so that all things work to the good of His kingdom. This is so easy to swallow when you lose something...so much harder when you lose someone. I am surrounded by family and friends that have lost someone so very dear to them. Their phone call has ripped their life apart at the seams, how do you go on? How do you, stand in church as I did today, lift your arms and with tears streaming sing from your heart "you turned my mourning into dancing". My mourning has yet to be turned into dancing but today I have faith in Jesus, who endured the cross for the joy that was before him. I believe in suffering and I believe in joy. I believe that they co exist. In my suffering my soul thirsts for God, for the living God. I long for the sweet day when I can meet with God. In this season my tears have been my food day and night (Psalm 42:2,3), but "hangeth thou in there sister"...His joy comes in the morning!