Let me take a moment to celebrate that Jeff and I will be married for two years on April 10. Most may think eh two years that's nothing. For us it has been the most monumental two years. Beautiful wedding, an amazing Jamaican honeymoon, combining our lives, Jeff becoming a step dad, two pink lines, puking-puking-puking, chubby cheeks and pink blankets and here we are an empty cradle and two years later. Together. When people ask me how Jeff and I are I can honestly tell them that our relationship is getting stronger. We are forced to communicate with each other, we have each seen the others darkest side. There is no one on the planet that knows me like Jeff knows me. There is no one on this planet who would know me the way Jeff knows me and still desires to be with me. My love for Jeff goes beyond the childish little girl love that we all dream of someday. This is real world love. I can not paint our picture as a fairytale...that would be weird to even try, but at the end of the day home is where I want to be and when I sleep, curled up next to Jeff is where I need to be. This week has been so rough. Jeff and I have wrestled with so many emotions. It took us five days to finally get to a point where we could just sit and talk and most importantly listen to each other. Five days but there is something to be said about neither one of us giving up. I think we even slept in the same bed every night. It took four of those five days for me to realize all the emotions I was wrestling and until I figured that out I could not even comprehend what Jeff was going through. He is trying to figure me out, I'm a mess, I am trying to figure him out, he's a mess and worlds collide. The collision is dirty, it's tough, but I am always so amazed at how we find our way back to each other. This anniversary deserves a medal a marathon medal...26.2 really doesn't have anything on the race we endure everyday. Jeff and Dylan are the first people I pray for every morning and the last two people I pray for before I dream each night. And I promise those are not the only two times I pray for each of them. We will celebrate our two years of Marriage the day before we should have celebrated our daughters birthday, a daughter who we will not get to kiss happy birthday. These days should be hard, these days have to be terrible. Jeff and I have to fight our way through the muck to get to a safer place. It is going to take a very long time for that safe place to linger for an extended period of time but I treasure, I truly treasure the moments we have there now. As exhausting as it is to fight, on one hand I am thankful that we are. We are grieving, we miss our sweet little girl, these times are meant to mourn. We can't, we refuse to act as if Kelsie never existed, to sweep this under a big Persian rug. We choose to go at this head on, we choose to remember our daughter, to talk about our daughter. Jeff keeps her picture up in his office, I keep a picture of her on a silver chain close to my heart. For me, I am thankful that we are making our way through this, I am thankful that this is messy, chaotic, sad, dark, lonely. I truly believe because we choose to face all of these sad times together fighting or not we are still choosing to do this together. Jeff is my beloved, my man, I cherish so many things about him and there are so many things that I never want to have to know what this life would be like without.