Yesterday I started my day with the Beth Moore study, week three day one, LOVE. The lesson centered on the core of the fruits of the spirit...love. I prayed over love and I prayed for love I prayed that others felt love and I praised God for His love. Then my day went to anger, hate, malice and honestly just evil. I yelled at my husband with my Bible open and the word love circled. After I yelled I should have immediately stopped prayed and allowed the Lord to see me through that moment, but eh I suppose I thought I was ready to take this day on all by myself. So that I did. I yelled, I cussed, I called Maggie, I talked to Jesika and ashes of malice and anger spewed from my mouth. The day was so loud so chaotic. No peace non at all. Dylan did not react well to my poor attitude either and I continued my emotional tyraid with him around and as I write this I am so thankful that the Lord is actually the one in charge of my babies. I had absolutely zero patience for the kiddo. I am sure, if I had to see my therapist yesterday, I would have been stamped a schizo and sent to a mental hospital. During this rant I decided I was not going to Mexico. I just knew I was anxious miserable scared and well pissed because I was not suppose to take this vacation next week. My head was so heavy as I rested on my pillow before bed, my heart sunk into the bottom of my chest. I could not tame the loud. I begged the Holy Spirit to intercede. I know that in our weakness He does. "please-- for me-- intercede --for me" this is all I had to give last night.
When I took a shower this morning, the Lord brought me to this secret place. I can't remember the last time the noise, the screams where silenced. I don't remember getting into the shower, I do not remember anything about my shower this morning other than this gentle and quiet spirit that allowed me to truly search my heart. I saw myself beyond the sadness, beyond the bitterness and the Holy Spirit gave me the true gift of discernment. In that moment under the warm running water he taught me that His Spirit is quiet, it is tender, it is loving. The thoughts that come from the loudness, this is not God's truth. In that oh so very quiet moment I had a peace about our Cancun trip this week. I don't have the answers as to why I am suppose to go but I have a peace. I just rested for a moment with the Spirit. I never really outwardly spoke repentance for yesterdays faults, but His Grace poured over me as if it were the water itself. My heart was known. The Lord was so much a part of me today. The day was not easy, in fact between Dylan and Jeff this has been one of the heaviest days. I have a splitting headache tonight and the lump in my throat is a constant reminder of how close I am to bursting at the seems. Today the heartache was just that...heartache. Tonight before I lay my head to rest what a blessing it is to have felt the gentleness and the quietness of the Spirit. To see the two daisies today.
Thank you Jesus!
I will continue to search your heart Lord, to know you Lord. I will listen to you in the quiet, in the stillness of the day or in the tenderness of the night sky. I will remember our secret place our time together, Your tender mercies. Lord, THANK YOU, your handprints have been so vivid day and I praise you for this I give You the glory. Without you this journey would be just that. With you this journey is more, this jouney is hopeful, because of you I have joy, peace. It is because your Spirit resides in my that I have a forgiving heart. Thank you Lord for all things, for with You even with my pain my blessings are bountiful.