Letter to Heaven

Kelsie,

This is the picture taken that moment in your bed.

Hey you!  I sure have been missing you.  Your first birthday has come and gone.  So many of us honored you and remembered your sweet spirit on April 11.  It was very bittersweet. 

In the days since your birthday I have been missing that sweet baby smell.  I walk past your door so many times every day and each time a memory of you appears.  This morning I thought about a time not so long ago, when I laid you in your bed for the first time.  All five pounds of you were swaddled tight,  in a soft sweet smelling blanket.  You were so tiny in that big bed.  I rubbed my fingers over your forehead and whispered "I Love You".  I took a picture and I swept you up out of that bed because I felt like four minutes was just too long for you to not have been held and we sat in the chair together.  I rocked you until I fell asleep.  Your favorite spot was on my chest, your ear placed right next to my heart.  That day I wore a camisole and I remember feeling your sweet breath on my skin.  I couldn't believe that you were here, a daughter, for me to love, to hold, to cherish forever. 

Little sister, I want you to know that I am okay.  My tears for you are real and the sadness is my burden but it's only because the missing is lonely.  Yesterday in my time with God, I remembered a moment not too long ago when I wrote that I would trade all that God has given me since your death if I could have you back.  I would go back to me and a time when the Holy Spirit was quenched and my prayers were so few if at all.  Today, that is not the case.  In the sadness this morning I wished to be where you are, not for you to be here on this troubled earth.  My empty arms and the closed bedroom door are constant reminders of your absence, if the memories weren't enough.  But I know you are very well taken care of.  The God that you sing praises to has been so faithful to me.  He has been my source of strength.  My source of love.  He has given me tender mercies and whispers sweet songs to me all throughout my day.  My arms are empty but my heart overflows.  I never thought those two could coincide but in my clearest moments I know they do.  So in this moment I smile as I remember a time just a year ago, I cry as I walk past your closed bedroom door, but I don't wish you back with me...I wish to sing praises with you, to fly with you.  God promises soon, our life is but a breath. 

~Always
Mom