Saturday, April 21, 2012

I Love You Mama

In Jesus I have found a heart that loves me at my worst and holds me at my weakest.  Yesterday was a quiet day.  Thank God, I needed a quiet day.  I stayed in the same clothes I wore to bed and my stringy hair hung from my face all day.  I was in a bit of a haze or maybe a daze I don't know but it was quiet.  Depression is waiting for me I can feel it's desires creeping around, yesterday it was gone.  Not that I was happy actually quite the opposite but the depression is loud, confusing, angry, yesterday was quiet. I didn't eat much at all, I rarely moved from one place to another.  I truly just wrapped myself in the quietness.  I read a lot about Heaven yesterday.  I wanted to be near to Kelsie.  I didn't want to go into her empty room, I never go to the cemetery (I can't feel her there), I didn't snuggle up with her pink blanket that still smells like her.  I want to go were she is.  I want to feel what she feels.  I want to know the place she lives.  With my bible at my side I read and I read.  I take the scripture and I listen to the Holy Spirit.  I pray for a glimpse-scratch that-I beg for a glimpse.  I know Kelsie will never be with me again but I know I will be with her.  I hold on to that, I seek God and learn His promises of Heaven, a place, a destination.  I will never know in my earthly existence the true Heaven, but I am thankful that God has given so many glimpses of what it will be. 

In the late hours of the night the missing is sad and the reality of loss sinks in a little more. Maybe it's the quiet, maybe it's from the exhaustion of the days work.  Thoughts of this journey, Dylan, Kelsie, Jeff, a family torn by grief's reality.  I prayed all day long, I can't remember what I prayed, today as I try to remember yesterday it is a blur.  I really think I was in some weird catatonic state.  Nothing to be alarmed about I just was.  I fell asleep reading a book on Heaven and wrestling with the thoughts of Hell and praising God for a grace that only he could provide to save us from that pit.  I prayed for the salvation of those who only God knows.  Then just as I closed my eyes I was lifted into a room.  There was my sweet Kelsie, this time she came as a little girl.  She had a long bouncy burnett pony tail.  Her face was so smooth and her hands felt so soft as they reached out to mine.  I reached for them and she pulled me close.  Her eyes were so bright, she was so confident, so sure of her place, so beautiful...everything I had dreamed my daughter would be someday.  The hurt of this world never fell upon my precious daughter.  Her innocence was radiant.  She kissed my forehead and whispered in a sweet calm voice, "I love you mama" I smiled. For the first time in over six months I truly smiled.  I told her I was sorry that I had to go.  She smiled and so matter of fact like she whispered "I know mama, but you will be with me soon"  I couldn't talk but I mouthed the words I know.  We never let go of each other I just woke up.  I had only been asleep for an hour and a half but when I awoke, I felt as if I had slept all night long.  The catatonic state that I had been in all day was lifted.  I smiled, not just my lips, but I could feel my eyes smiling.  The last time my eyes smiled: the morning of October thirteenth after I dressed Kelsie, picked her up and kissed her cheek. When she smiled at me with those beautiful brown eyes and her little fingers wrapped around the hair that fell past my shoulders.  Her chubby legs wrapped around my waist line and her smell was there.  That was the last time my eyes lit up with a smile.


  1. I love your smile, I look for it in every picture, sometimes I tell myself there it is a real smile but I know deep down that's not it. I love kelsie and I thank that sweet girl for letting you feel a smile (even If I. didn't get to see it) I am so glad you felt her last night. I love you and I love her. I miss her.

  2. Wow, just beautiful!

  3. So glad we serve a God that knows what we need exactly when we need it! He knows when the hurt is too much and He gives us a dream or a vision to keep us on the right path. So happy for you that you got to see your amazing little angel!