Mustard Seed

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

 Kelsie always smiled big for her brother!

 My faith today is about the size of a mustard seed.  Not neccessarliy my faith in God, but my faith in my ability to move mountains.  My faith in my ability to wade through this journey of grief.  How do I move this mountain, take away the fearful thoughts so that the "mountain" is circumstances that I no longer dread?  When will the power of grief no longer have this hold over me.  When will my trust in the Lord go from the smallest of all seeds to the tree with three strong branches that grows larger than all other seeds?  

Kelsie is on my mind, in my heart 25/8.  I can't stop the wishing which makes the missing so hard.  Hard to do anything.  I should have started the plans of a first birthday.  Instead I have to throw away every magazine that has anything to do with babies, I have to stay off of face book because other parents are planning birthdays or having birthdays for their babies.  I try to think of things that I can do to celebrate with her gone but truthfully there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can make celebrating this day easy.  I constantly, constantly imagine Kelsie here, trying to walk, pulling herself up on the coffee table, talking, pestering her brother, wrapping her arms around me, dancing with me. 

I don't know why but I really thought it would get somewhat easier, but as more time passes it is so much harder.  The weight of the reality of grief sinks in a little more with each passing month.  The reality of the pain that will truly never go away.  The reality of Kelsie gone and the non stop wishing.  The wishing is the salt that is constantly poured into my wound.  It will be awhile before this heals.  Today I just have to be not ok.  Not amazing.  Being able to live day by day does not make me amazing, even if it did, it sucks to be amazing for this reason.  In reality this journey truly allows me to see so many of weaknesses, it allows me to see my faith for what it is...a teeny tiny mustard seed.  All that I have and all that I am is absolutely no doubt the strength of the Lord carrying my through.

This is All I Can Say
The David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

yeah thats my everything

everything........