My sweet daughter,
So many of my thoughts are with you. I truly truly miss you. I want to plan your first birthday. Let me tell you, I originally said that I was going to do a low key party with just family. Your dad looked at me a little funny and I said "seriously, just family" Well dad knew that that would not happen and he is probably right. I have gone all out for all your bother's birthdays and I would have for sure done the same for you. I would have loved to have done The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme for you. I saw a cake on pinterest the other day and just loved it. We are still going to celebrate your birthday...it will just be different with you in heaven than if you were here to share it with us.
I have these incredibly vivid dreams about you. I wake up and feel as if I have actually held you, looked at you, heard you, some mornings I even wake up with your scent right there in the air. It is so surreal, it takes a moment to regain composure and shift back into the life I actually live. I love these dreams, and I love you!
Sometimes while I am alone in my car singing praise and worship songs I have visions of you. My sweet daughter you are a beautiful woman with long curly brown hair, dressed in a very simply white dress. Your smile is amazingly beautiful, your eyes are absolutely captivating. Your body is perfect, it is just perfect. The first time I saw this vision I knew it was you.
Last night the gate fell that blocks off the stairs for the puppy. I quickly put it back up and I just fell to my hiney. I thought wow, I bet Kelsie would be crawling all over the place and maybe even walking. I wish that gate was blocking you from the stairs. Then my thoughts just got away from me the rest of the evening. The what would have beens just crept in. I couldn't push it back so I just let the thoughts flow. I scrolled through your pictures, cried, and watched some videos, cried some more. When I watch your videos I hear myself talking to you and I know that I know that I love you so much and the beloved time I had with you was just that, BELOVED. I remember then that this is why the pain is so deep. Even now knowing the pain I would still take the beloved time I had with you!
Speaking of beloved time, did you know Kelsie Sloane, that one I my absolute favorite things about you is the way you would get so serious when trying to talk. I have at least 5 or 6 videos of you trying to talk. I can see you really thinking hard about what you want to say. I have the video that I put in this blog and I have another one of you in the car, just jabbering away, seriously from Tita's house to our house you just talked talked talked. I would turn the radio down and just smile, laugh out loud, call someone to brag, I think called Aunt Jesika one time so she could hear your jabbering. I miss our little drives together. Yes, even the ones when you were screaming, now those were not as fun as the others but when the good times are taken the hard times are just as treasured.
I seemed to have rambled on quite a bit, I guess it's been awhile since I wrote to you. Little sister, we all miss you so so much. Even in the gunkiness of the pain, I know we all smile when we remember your smile! You are always with me, always in heart and will be every day until I we are reunited. I carry your name, your heart and your smile with me every day!