Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Waterproof Mascara

To lose someone you love, I believe this to be one of the hardest aspects of our life.  That love is irreplaceable, unforgettable, and to lose that love is unimaginable.  So you move on day by day with these new glasses, a different way of viewing the world, you wade through looking at everyone else's normal searching for your new normal.  In four months what is my new normal?

Waterproof Mascara- I never used this thick gunky stuff before, but now...praise God.  I can cry and cry and cry, tap tap tap, and just like new...move on to the next moment.

Over comitting- In an effort to keep getting up everyday, I have forced my self into commitments that I can not break, well I could but letting myself down is so hard and just adds more to the grief.

Therapy- And how does that make you feel?  I am sorry I said _____, I was really mad about ____.  Okay so as corny as it may sound I have to say therapy works.  Having a professional guide you and teach you how to sort through your relationship is a good thing.

Praying- Talking to God all day.  I haven't done that, well I am not sure that I have ever spent days and days in constant prayer.  I do now. 

Running- I run because I want to eat whatever I want!  I run because I can only afford therapy once a week. 

Marriage- Ok, let me just say this...Marriage is not a fairytale, Taylor Swift got it right, "I am not a princess and this ain't a fairytale" .  Therapy is a must and if anyone feels God has put it on your heart to pray specifically for a marriage, not just my marriage, but any one's, please please do not ignore that nudge.  To live side by side and to commit to a life of compromise is so difficult.  We are rarely on the same page about anything, and now to walk through life learning to respect each other's grief, it's just really really hard.  Tears, fights, anger, sadness, jealousy, confusion, laughter, kisses, hugs, appreciation, understanding...daily sorting through all of these emotions and many more is part of this new normal, this new kind of LOVE.  I like to call it the grown up LOVE.  Not quite the LOVE we imagined as little girls. 

Reading- Thank you Jeff for my Kindle, and sorry for the $$ that I spend on new books. 

Dylan- I am pretty sure I have got this all wrong.  So I pray, because honestly I can't do it.  I am too weak to consistently be the amazing mother that I want to be that he deserves me to be.  So I pray, I pray through, I pray over, I pray for, I pray on behalf, I pray for this young man and then I pray that I trust that my faith will prevail my many short comings as his mother. 

Waves- We have spent our summer vacation the last two years in Virginia.  We spent a few days out of each week at Virginia Beach.  The ocean is so vast and so unpredictable.  If you stand just waist deep in the ocean for any length of time you will feel the pull of it's enormous strength.  The waves come quickly, they hit the shore, they knock you down, they change the pattern of the sand and then they are gone and you are left there having to pick yourself up in the calm waters. Then you wait for the next waves.  Grief is so much like this.  I am calm one moment and then just this rush of grief hits and I am doubled over silently crying, tears multiplying and falling to the floor.  Then it's gone, you pick yourself up and you wait it out for the next moment it hits.

The Missing- it sucks...it just sucks!


  1. I love you and I gave up on the waterproof mascara, i just don't like it! I guess I am fortunate enough that the toddlers that run my house don't care I have black crap on my face when I read your blogs!! Four months ago all of our normals changed and I have learned so much and seen things so differently. I have truly seen God work through you. It is just amazing. I can't say that on October 13 I would have thought I could talk to you on a daily basis and have normal conversations without crying our eyes out,but we do. I can't say that I would have thought I would ever hear you laugh or see you smile, but I do. I am so thankful for those times. I love you Summer and I hate that you have a new normal but you are making the best of what you have and that is all you can do. And p.s. your only shortcoming as Dylans mother is you wont let him use a mop!

  2. I love you too, Summer and I just don't where mascara at all. The last 4 mos have been a strange roller coaster ride. Like Jesika said, you have been an amazing teacher on how to get through these seasons of grief hell. I think Kelsie and God are proud of how we are doing. I see amazing strength coming out in all of us. Today I even saw a wonderful change that has started to take place in your nanny. Missing does suck, and I so miss not getting to know Kelsie, but on the upside of that, I know I will spend eternity with her so the missing is only for a little while. I love you P.s. the mop is not a shortcoming, you are a awesome mom!!!