Friday, February 17, 2012

Tear Filled Casserole

As another month passed us by I think the reality of this life sinks in a little more. I know obviously that Kelsie is in Heaven but the depth and heaviness seem to surface more and more as each month passes. You celebrate the fact that you made it, then your mad that you have to celebrate that. Then you realize that you have another day, and as time keeps moving so does the world around you. 

The missing has been so intense the past three days.  Last night as I cooked dinner tears fell into my dish towel.  Another tear filled casserole.  No need for salt.  As I stood in the middle of my kitchen crying, Jeff immediately came to hold me and Dylan soon followed.  We stood there together and just embraced one another.  Jeff and Dylan didn't cry at all, I think they knew that it was my turn and they both wanted to be strong for me.  I just sank into Jeff's embrace and wrapped my arm around Dylan's little frame.  I cried, I cried because I miss Kelsie.  I cried because I just wish I could hold her.  I want to clean the lint out of her little toes again.  I want to see her smile when I pick her up from Tita's.  I want to buy the sailor dress that I have to walk by every single day at Target.  I want to scream, but I just cry.

I dreamt of Kelsie last night.  I got to hold her.  She leaped into my arms, wrapped her chubby legs around my waist and wrapped her little fingers around my arm.  I touched her face, her brown eyes just smiled at me and I smiled back.  The missing was gone, the loneliness didn't exist.  I took her little toes and I wrapped my hand around them and just squeezed.  It was just her and I in this little room and we just had each other for that moment.  The alarm clock went off and she was gone.  I laid in bed for thirty more minutes begging God to take me back to that room with her in my arms, but my moment had passed.  The missing is back. 


  1. I want to throw my phone against the wall, the same way I did when I got that horrible phone call from mom. It just hurts, and when it hurts it hurts just as much as it did the first second.I just want to call you and tell you it is all right, but I know it isn't. I know that sweet precious girl is in heaven and that is so wonderful and sweet. All of that doesnt make it easier down here all of the time. It doesn't take away the burning hurt and pain. It doesn't take away the feeling I get when I look at the picture of you kissing her, the pain that seeps from my head to my toes. God I don't know if that will ever get better, probably not until it is my time or that I know you are there with her. I woke up this morning wanting to have that joyful feeling of it being a good day, and it will but there is always a pulling of imcompleteness because I know no matter how you sound or what you say you are missing Kelsie every second of every day and in this sisters heart that will never be okay. I love you and believe me I have had many tear filled dinners and have washed my dishes in a sink full of tears many times. I wish I was there to give you a hug today!

  2. I sit and stare and wish I had something wonderful to say. All I can say is that like so many others I continue to pray for all of you. And I love you all. And I love how she swung at those toys on the jungle gym.

  3. Just as Jaci says I am doing the same thing. I write something, delete it because I just want to write something so wonderdul, but is it wonderful. Will it make you feel better? I don't know what to say? What can I say, what can make you feel better? I cry, and I pray and i will pray and pray and pray that is the only thing I can do. Love you Summer

  4. Those dreams will keep coming. I know it's not at all the same but I had a very special relationship with my Granddad, and from time to time since his passing I have a dream where I get to see him and hug him and be with him and it's so wonderful. My mom says she never has dreams like that about him and she wishes she did. I think you will keep having those dreams throughout your life, and it will make you happy to spend that time together. She will always be there for you in that place. Love, Jessica

  5. Praying praying for you! As I always do.