"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”Psalms 46:1
I was asked the question today, "How is that baby?" My heart sunk just as it as done before. For a moment I want to say, she is so good...she is crawling around everywhere, putting everything into her mouth...but for that second I pause, I realize I have to say, "she passed away". It takes a few moments for me to regain my composure. I breathe in I breathe out. I refrain from screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel bad for the person that asks, I know they just feel so bad. I keep my composure and just say "it's okay, really it's okay". Moments like these are just terrible. I can't explain the rush of anxiety I feel, the rush of sadness, of desperation. My heart literally stops, the world stands still until I find the words "she has passed away". The words do not come easy, not at all. Having to say this reality out loud is unfair. I just could have never thought in a million years that I would loose a child, an infant. I always wondered what my kids would do without me? Never wondered what I would do without them? Saying it out loud seems so surreal. I wonder if that's why I am holding it together so well, especially these last 3 months. Is it too surreal to even comprehend what has happened? I don't know, I don't know what I am doing most days, it's almost like rearranging furniture on a sinking ship. I keep moving it and trying to make it better, but this ship is still sinking.
I missed my little girl today,
The little girl that just couldn't stay.
Her smile was sweet,
Oh I loved her chubby little cheeks.
My heart is sore,
My soul hurts right to its core.
When her memories are my only reality,
It's not easy to pray to You daily.
I hold on to my faith,
I thank You for Your grace.
It's the only thing I know to do
I find peace in the refuge I have in You.