Thursday, January 26, 2012

Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually

Daily perpectives... 1.  How am I emotionally?
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
This does not mean I have to be happy or even sad, but I want to be aware of my emotional status.  This helps me dictate how much I can do or my limitations for that day.  When I am aware of my emotions, I can lovingly say to my husband, "I am really feeling sad about Kelsie right now, it is not a good time for ....".  I am never just one emotion for a full 12 hour period, oh lawd, these emotions change constantly and it can be very extreme at times.  Learning to deal with this is difficult but owning it and understanding it is imperative for my day to day survival. 

2. How am I physically?
Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul. 3 John 1:2
Running is therapy.  There is just something about lacing up your shoes, putting one foot in front of the other and running.  Am I running away, you bet I am, but the tricky thing is; as far as you run away, you have to go that far to get back.  I love the way my feet feel as the hit the pavement.  I love that every single time I run I have to force myself through the first two miles.  They hhuurtt, oh geez they hurt.  I call on my warrior mantra during this time.  "you are a warrior, just go just go, you are almost to that peak" that moment when at last everything just swings in line.  Your BPM's are in perfect alignment with your stride, your breathing is in a perfect rhythm and from that point on you are on your way!  You made it through the hell and now the rest is just one foot in front on the other. For that time, I am just a runner.  I have not taken a shower afterwards and not cried.  It's like I release so much just from a run.  Staying physically fit is so important to me, now more than ever.  If I am going to get through this, I have to be the best me.  Since I love to eat, and I love sweets, I have no choice but to run!

3. How am I spiritually?
Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter. Peter 3:16
Where am I in my walk with God? What have I done for His Kingdom's sake?  I want to learn something new about God everyday.  I want to walk with God in a way I never have and trust in Him in a way that I have never been able to do before.   I want people to understand to feel how hard this, so that when they ponder, the only name that is whispered "Jesus.  Jesus must have gotten her through this".  I want to listen to God, and I want to feel the Holy Spirit, and I pray that I am brave enough to seek after what it is that the Holy Spirit is asking of me.   It is no longer happiness that I seek, I know all to well that it is temporary.  I rejoice because I can see ahead, beyond today's sadness.  I see the promise that I will receive.  In my suffering the Glory of God will rest upon me, and I know that this season of suffering is short compared to my eternal inheritance.

Every day I work on at least one of three.  It I can't run, I talk to God, if I can't talk to God, I cry in my car, If I can't cry I run...and so on.  For me, keeping these three things, just at arms length has helped me tremendously, more so than that 7 step grief stuff.  I am not in AA, my daughter has passed away, I can't fit this grief, this sadness, into a 12 step program.  Not to say that it is not important to know those steps and identify with them. For me,  the grief stages are just a set of tools that help, they are by no means my map, or my guide. 

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