Monday, January 23, 2012


I am so tired of writing about this sad tragic life.  I continue to feel compelled to write, but I am getting exhausted of how continuously sad these moments are.  I am tired of trying to find new ways to make this ok.  Praying and praying for a soft heart, begging for a good day, pleading for my sanity.  I not only grieve for Kelsie, but the life that I had is also gone.  I grieve for my previous relationship with my husband.  I am terrified of the person that this is going to make me.  I am continuously questioning everything I do.  I want to make sure I do this the right way, knowing there is no right way.  Tears; everyday tears and I am so afraid that I have only chipped away at this massive grief iceberg.  As time passes everyday tasks get easier but the wound expands.  Some days I have clarity and some days my floors feel like they are made of molasses.  I have never really worried about putting myself together but now days I rarely leave the house without full outfit, full makeup and hair done.  Hopefully if I have it all together on the outside maybe just maybe I can fool others of the absolute chaos on the inside.
I am reaching out to expand my community.  I will be attending a Christian based grief group for moms on the second Thursday of every month.  I am hoping that fellowship with women who have and are going through this type of loss will give me some sort of insight.  The Village Church has home groups, I have been praying over the idea of joining a home group.  Next Sunday there is a meeting, I am going to go and hope that God will lead me to the right group of people.

I continue to work out and run.  I have signed up for several runs to help keep me focused.  I am thinking about doing a marathon in the fall.  Jeff and I are planning a couple of vacations including a destination wedding that we will be attending in September.  We will also be traveling to an island in April.  We celebrate our 2 year wedding Anniversary on April 10th and Kelsie's birthday is April 11th.  UGH!  The thought of April and the months following is causing so much anxiety.  I am not sure how I am going to handle having a season of memories to go along with my grief. 

Having Dylan has been a huge part of my recovery.  My days with him are less sad.  I pray for him now more than I ever have.  I enjoy so much about him and I am so proud of all he become in just 9 years.  I hope that I can always be the mother that he deserves.  We will be wrapping up basketball season at the end of Feb and starting baseball season in March. 

I continue to fill my calendar just to have things to look forward to.  I don't know if that is a good thing but for me it does help so thank you to everyone who helps me fill my calendar. 



  1. oh wow ... as i sit here with tears streaming down my face ... i wanted to tell you how sorry i am for your loss ... i'm not even sure how i stumbled upon your blog ... but your trust in Jesus is so evident and real ... may God continue to wrap His arms around you and may we always remember your precious baby ... her life will minister to so many ... she sure ministered to me! thank you for sharing pieces of your heart.

  2. It helps me to have things to look forward to too. Continuing to pray for you! And I hope I get to join you for one of those races!!

  3. Oh my, how my heart breaks for you! I have thought of you and the upcoming April so much. Mom on the 25th and Aaron on the 26th. 1 year for her, eight for him! Valentines, the last time I saw him alive. Feb 29, the day his boots were last on American soil. This date comes only every four years! Yes, the way we do things! May God carry us all until we join them and may He grant us peace and hope in fullest measure! As our days are, may our strength also be! I love you and feel you're too young to do this! You are! We all are! God, carry us through these hard and lonely days!