Friday, December 16, 2011

Rock and Red Sand

I really need something more to hang on to.  My prayers are so weak, my faith, well I am writing to You.  It's just hard to have so much, so so much to have to control.  I don't even know this woman anymore.  Especially nights like tonight when my day was just one mush of a mess.  I made it through...woo hoo!  It just isn't always enough to make it through.  Please Lord, I am hanging on to this cliff of rock and red sand and I just have this twig this little bitty twig that I am holding on to dear life with.  If I wasn't so paralyzed most days the twig and myself would have long been gone.  Everyone says this sting will go away but oh my doesn't.  It does not it just sits there and torments me.  Just twenty minutes ago I was fine, singing KD Lang and getting the house organized and then something hit, a memory, a quite house, an empty house probably the combination of all, but it brought me to my knees.  I cry to you Lord but there just isn't anything.  I beg you "mend this woman, just take this pain away, please just bring her back to me, wake me up from this terrible dream, I'm ready I have learned so many valuable lessons, I just want to be out of this terrible dream."  If this isn't my dream, if this is my reality, please give me something more.  I don't even know what to ask for or what I need specifically, I just know that what I have, what I use to pull it together, it's all running on E.  I am about to stall out.  I could use some of that Mercy that so many sing about, the Grace that Paul writes about.  Maybe I need something tangible.  Something I can touch, I can see, I can feel.  I need to see a light at the end of my tunnel somehow someway please Lord fill that space for me.  If even for a moment I will take it.  Today it's just hard to draw close to You.  So much of my daughter is missed and such a deep whole.  A lot of hard times this past week.  An eight month picture not taken, a two month "death" anniversary that felt just as heavy and sad as the day it happened. A lonely Friday night that just three months ago (90 days) would have been spent singing toddler music and playing peek a boo.  It's just sad, it just sucks!  I am sure You understand that all these things just make it so hard to cling to, not just You, but to anyone.  I beg please please...listen to my heart when my words are so few.



  1. Praying, dear Summer, for something tangible for you. Cling to Dylan, and to Jeff.

    I hope that I, we, can be intercessors of prayer for you.

  2. Summer, I wish with all that I have that I can give you some sort of peace..if only a second. So each day I pray that God not worry about my family but that he focus on you, Jeff, and Dylan. I think of you all day and hope that at some point there is a second that you laugh and enjoy it. I pray that you and Jeff hold onto the love you have for each other. Hopefully that love you two share will give you the tangible thing to pull you through. On those days that you need more, know that there will always be a hand to pull you through.

  3. Lord, even it is for a moment please give my sister a light just so she knows that maybe one day it wont sting as hot, that the burning wont be constant. I am not her and Kelsie was not my daughter but she was my niece and Summer has been my constant since the day I was born and I cannot stand to see my sister this way. When I start to cry lately I stop myself because I honestly feel like I wont stop because the pain is just rumbling like boiling water in the pit of my soul. It feels like If I let it go then I will explode from it. If I feel this way it has to be a billion times worse for her. So Lord I am begging you please give her something to hold on to when she feels like she has nothing, please let that twig grow into a branch and then eventually a healthy tree with green leaves. And even if it is my own selfish reason that I need to know she is going to be okay, I need to know that the light in her eyes will come back, if only for half a second. Lord please I am begging. Amen

  4. my mother lost her son at 38 years, part of heart was never whole again, and she had 38 years with him. From reading your blog you really are doing the normal grieving process, remember Summer, to live in the hearts you love is to never die, and your faith is truly strong, faith is beyond what the eye can see,think about the horible death Mary had to watch her son go thru for people she didnt or wouldnt ever know. Prayers for your family this season of birth of our Lord and Jesus Christ

  5. Oh God, please hold my baby girl. This pain is unbearable and as her mother, I feel so helpless. I know You hear her every whimper, please somehow, someway, show her, that you are there and that someday that twig will grow. Right now, Your Grace is all we have and it is enough, but somedays it seems so far away.
    Thank you Jesus for carrying Summer, Jeff and Dylan, cuz I do know without You there would be no twig, only sinking sand. AMEN