I really need something more to hang on to. My prayers are so weak, my faith, well I am writing to You. It's just hard to have so much, so so much to have to control. I don't even know this woman anymore. Especially nights like tonight when my day was just one mush of a mess. I made it through...woo hoo! It just isn't always enough to make it through. Please Lord, I am hanging on to this cliff of rock and red sand and I just have this twig this little bitty twig that I am holding on to dear life with. If I wasn't so paralyzed most days the twig and myself would have long been gone. Everyone says this sting will go away but oh my God...it doesn't. It does not it just sits there and torments me. Just twenty minutes ago I was fine, singing KD Lang and getting the house organized and then something hit, a memory, a quite house, an empty house probably the combination of all, but it brought me to my knees. I cry to you Lord but there just isn't anything. I beg you "mend this woman, just take this pain away, please just bring her back to me, wake me up from this terrible dream, I'm ready I have learned so many valuable lessons, I just want to be out of this terrible dream." If this isn't my dream, if this is my reality, please give me something more. I don't even know what to ask for or what I need specifically, I just know that what I have, what I use to pull it together, it's all running on E. I am about to stall out. I could use some of that Mercy that so many sing about, the Grace that Paul writes about. Maybe I need something tangible. Something I can touch, I can see, I can feel. I need to see a light at the end of my tunnel somehow someway please Lord fill that space for me. If even for a moment I will take it. Today it's just hard to draw close to You. So much of my daughter is missed and such a deep whole. A lot of hard times this past week. An eight month picture not taken, a two month "death" anniversary that felt just as heavy and sad as the day it happened. A lonely Friday night that just three months ago (90 days) would have been spent singing toddler music and playing peek a boo. It's just sad, it just sucks! I am sure You understand that all these things just make it so hard to cling to, not just You, but to anyone. I beg please please...listen to my heart when my words are so few.