Today, as I scramble to get ready for tomorrow (scramble yes and all I am responsible for are bringing cookies) all day today my head is in this tug a war. I want to just stop, just crawl into bed and fast forward to January. The holidays haven't even started officially and I am kicking and screaming on the inside. On the outside, however, I am dressed, got my hair fixed, my makeup on. I put on some of my favorite clothes and I even wrapped a cute purple scarf around my neck. I keep going. I keep going and on the outside not one person knows what is at war on the inside. How I am just a tear away from coming to a complete halt.
I have to keep moving I have so much life that is going on around me, so much that I don't want to miss, so much that I have to be thankful for but for how long will the days be filled with this tug a war of grieving and living. I suppose the rest of my life. Twenty years from now I will sit over a Thanksgiving dinner and I will look at what all I have to be thankful for and I will wonder what Kelsie would be like, I will miss the way her eyes lit up when she smiled. I will wonder what college would she have chosen, would I like her boyfriend, would I like her tattoo, her nose piercing her new Gothic hair do? I will wish for a daughter who would have grown into a woman by then. My heart will break just as it does today. I will look over at the young man that Dylan has become twenty years from today at this Thanksgiving feast and I will miss his sister. I will look to my right at the husbands hand that I hold today and I will fight back tears smiling about all the fights we missed out on because oh I know she would have pulled the wool over those eyes and Jeff would have spoiled that girl rotten. So much is missed and all the years of my life I will miss her empty seat at my Thanksgiving table, but at the same time I will look around at all the life, the family, the love that God has still blessed me with and my heart will be as empty as it is full just as it is today.