Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tug A War

Today, as I scramble to get ready for tomorrow (scramble yes and all I am responsible for are bringing cookies) all day today my head is in this tug a war.  I want to just stop, just crawl into bed and fast forward to January.  The holidays haven't even started officially and I am kicking and screaming on the inside.  On the outside, however, I am dressed, got my hair fixed, my makeup on.  I put on some of my favorite clothes and I even wrapped a cute purple scarf around my neck.  I keep going.  I keep going and on the outside not one person knows what is at war on the inside.  How I am just a tear away from coming to a complete halt. 

I have to keep moving I have so much life that is going on around me, so much that I don't want to miss, so much that I have to be thankful for but for how long will the days be filled with this tug a war of grieving and living.  I suppose the rest of my life.  Twenty years from now I will sit over a Thanksgiving dinner and I will look at what all I have to be thankful for and I will wonder what Kelsie would be like, I will miss the way her eyes lit up when she smiled.  I will wonder what college would she have chosen, would I like her boyfriend, would I like her tattoo, her nose piercing her new Gothic hair do?  I will wish for a daughter who would have grown into a woman by then.  My heart will break just as it does today.  I will look over at the young man that Dylan has become twenty years from today at this Thanksgiving feast and I will miss his sister.  I will look to my right at the husbands hand that I hold today and I will fight back tears smiling about all the fights we missed out on because oh I know she would have pulled the wool over those eyes and Jeff would have spoiled that girl rotten.  So much is missed and all the years of my life I will miss her empty seat at my Thanksgiving table, but at the same time I will look around at all the life, the family, the love that God has still blessed me with and my heart will be as empty as it is full just as it is today.


  1. Our whole family will have an empty chair. Little miss Kelsie Sloane, we will miss you everyday for the rest of our lives here on this earth. I love you!

  2. Dear Summer...wanted to let you know we have been praying for you and your family, long before we knew you were Jesika's sister. I'm sure the pain you feel seems unbearable at times. God is with you and with His help, you will get through this tough time. I pray that you will feel His love and comfort and His strength. You and yours are in our thoughts and prayers. Through tears of joy and sadness, may you always feel His presence. In Christ...Nikki

  3. Summer, I am praying for you and your entire family. I can't begin to know how you feel, but I am so happy that you are clinging to God! I pray everyday that God helps you through every unbearable minute and shows you His love and comfort. I have yet to make it through one of your posts without tears covering my face. You are such a blessing to me. I know that sounds strange, but I have seen faith and perseverance in you like I have never seen before.

  4. Kelsie Sloane, my sweet Angel,
    It is 3:30am and I just put the turkey in the oven. I think about you all the time and I miss you so much.
    Today, we will have Thanksgiving at my house. Nanny and Papa, Aunt Jesika, Weston, Preslee, Aunt Kristen, Uncle Jack, Ivory, Kaiyess and Uncle Kip and his family. We will, as always miss your mom,dad and Dylan. Most of all sweet girl we will miss you and all the days we will never have.
    We will be thankful, for the wonderful family and friends that we do have, but there will be a tremendous sadness and a silence among us all, that will be there always, until we see you in Heaven.
    Granma is going to try to be strong for you, so now I'm just going to let the tears fall while no one is watching. You my precious Angel will always be with us and we will miss more and more as time goes by. I love you, sweet Kelsie,and I will see you soon. maga