To whom this may concern:
Awe here you are, you have seeked and found what may seem like safe harbor here in my soul. I feel you there and my emotions are evidence that you entered. You are the darkness that would like to guide my mind to believe this ache will not heal. The dark tunnel that I must travel, a task that I have no choice but to undertake. I will not go at war with you, I do not challenge your strength. I surrender, my white towel flies high. I accept that you will forever be a part of me. I love my daughter, I cherish my daughter, I miss my daughter, so why would I not endure the valley of great darkness that her loss has forced me to enter. There are however, some house rules that you should understand.
I will not consider you my weakness, it is because of you, my pain, that I will become stronger. Today that strength is no where to be found. It is, however, the small flickering light that I catch a glimpse of at the end of this vast dark tunnel. I may never claim victory over the refuge you have found, but I will claim victory in how I choose to allow you to seep out of me. I will accept you as part of my life, but I will not accept you taking control of my life. My relationships will not become toxic because of you: because of you I will seek comfort and will feel compelled to protect and cherish those that I love. You see pain, although I do not grasp the fullness of all you intend to do to me just yet, I do have a mighty Lord that does. Day by day He is providing me with all the armor that I need to protect myself from the pull of your gravity. So much armor, in fact, that I am sure there will be days that I will just lie there and take your beatings, I will not have the strength to defend your daggers. Remember this in that moment; I trust this is true, God's armor will not allow your beatings to bruise so bad that I can longer move and He will not allow your daggers to pierce so deeply that I die. My Lord is your conqueror. My Lord is my strength. And remember as you seek refuge in my soul, my God has filled my soul with His love, His light, you will never claim victory or find a place of rest.
I will mourn for the loss of my daughter, I will grieve, I will cry out to God, I will get angry, I will get depressed, I will be unbearably sad I will fill my soul with the unfathomable emotions that come when you loose someone you cherished so dearly. I will, every second of every day feel the hurt of suffering. I will do this because my God has whispered...it is your time to mourn my sweet Summer, it is your season to be sad, it is okay my child, I am with you, I will be your strength even when you feel you have none.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can
be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us
all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God
who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than
that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also
interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall
trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or
sword? As it is written: " For your sake we face death all day long; we
are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we
are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced
that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the
present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love
of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.