Thursday, November 17, 2011

House Rules

To whom this may concern:

Awe here you are, you have seeked and found what may seem like safe harbor here in my soul.  I feel you there and  my emotions are evidence that you entered. You are the darkness that would like to guide my mind to believe this ache will not heal.   The dark tunnel that I must travel, a task that I have no choice but to undertake.  I will not go at war with you, I do not challenge your strength.  I surrender, my white towel flies high.  I accept that you will forever be a part of me.  I love my daughter, I cherish my daughter, I miss my daughter, so why would I not endure the valley of great darkness that her loss has forced me to enter.  There are however, some house rules that you should understand.

I will not consider you my weakness, it is because of you, my pain, that I will become stronger.  Today that strength is no where to be found. It is, however, the small flickering light that I catch a glimpse of at the end of this vast dark tunnel.  I may never claim victory over the refuge you have found, but I will claim victory in how I choose to allow you to seep out of me.   I will accept you as part of my life, but I will not accept you taking control of my life.  My relationships will not become toxic because of you:  because of you I will seek comfort and will feel compelled to protect and cherish those that I love.  You see pain, although I do not grasp the fullness of all you intend to do to me just yet, I do have a mighty Lord that does.  Day by day He is providing me with all the armor that I need to protect myself from the pull of your gravity.  So much armor, in fact, that I am sure there will be days that I will just lie there and take your beatings, I will not have the strength to defend your daggers. Remember this in that moment;  I trust this is true, God's armor will not allow your beatings to bruise so bad that I can longer move and He will not allow your daggers to pierce so deeply that I die.  My Lord is your conqueror.  My Lord is my strength.  And remember as you seek refuge in my soul, my God has filled my soul with His love, His light, you will never claim victory or find a place of rest.

I will mourn for the loss of my daughter, I will grieve, I will cry out to God, I will get angry, I will get depressed, I will be unbearably sad I will fill my soul with the unfathomable emotions that come when you loose someone you cherished so dearly.  I will, every second of every day feel the hurt of suffering.  I will do this because my God has is your time to mourn my sweet Summer, it is your season to be sad, it is okay my child, I am with you, I will be your strength even when you feel you have none. 

Romans 8:31-39
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: " For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.




  1. I am so thankful to Him for being your strength. He has never let us down.

  2. WOW!!! All I can say is: Thank you Lord for giving my baby the strength to truly mourn the loss of her precious Kelsie. Amen
    I love you so much my precious Summer! Mom

  3. Summer, I do not know you personally. However, I am very sorry for your loss. I applaud your strength and courage. The Outlook you have taken on this very dark and trying time is the only way to truly to get through something like this. Philippians 4:13! As I said, I do not know you, I will pray for GOD to continue giving you the courage and desire you have shown in this beautiful piece of writing.

  4. I met you when you were a baby. The prettiest baby I had ever seen ever to this day and I have 2 of my own. I was your grandparents neighbor and grew up with Tony and Kip. I pray for you and I too have gone through tough times.My favorite verse that got me through it is Psalms 34:18..God is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in have to read it over and over and over and believe it. God bless your friend Doug Wilmeth

  5. Summer, you have a gift to see what the eyes cannot, to feel and articulate what the heart cannot fathom. Through this process, you are becoming a woman warrior who will serve many in the days of your life. Through this loss your child gifts you the smile of courage to walk with others who will only hear words from you. Because you knew, know and with open heart and arms, share.
    Beautifully written. I'm in your pocket.
    Jan (Kuchel)

  6. Powerful my friend. My soul rejoices bittersweetly with you tonight.
    My eyes are full of tears, sad tears
    For your loss and happy tears for your spiritual gain. Incredible Summer.

  7. Through your pain i'm sure you are helping so many! What a beautiful, amazing, strong woman you are! You write so beautifully. Love you

  8. Dear Summer,
    I came to your blog through a post on Sarah Wray's facebook (Sarah and I went to college together)...We lost our firstborn son, Jonathan, shortly after he was born and very unexpectedly. That was just a little over 9 years ago. I just wanted to let you know that my heart hurts for you guys as I look at the sweet picture of your daughter. It stirs up all sorts of emotions in me that always sit just below the surface of my heart. If I can be of any help to you, I am email address is

  9. My heart is so broken, I feel so helpless. The reality of it all sometimes feels so distant. I go through my day like always and then this heart winching pain comes. I ask God, How, how can I just be normal when my baby is hurting so terribly? At that moment, I have peace and know that His stentgth is how! Honey, I love you so much! This SUCKS,really SUCKS, but I know God will carry us through,and we will be with Kelsie someday soon, it just can't be soon enough. all my love mom

  10. These are the scriptures I've held on to so much of my life. I love you, Summer.