Monday, November 7, 2011
Shine Upon me Tonight my Bright Star
This morning I could feel your breath upon my skin. I wrapped your pink blanket, strand by silky soft strand around my heart. At that moment I wanted you back so badly. It is in these moments that I just have to surrender myself and wait for His redemption. As I write at times it feels so cliche, so unrealsitic that someone whose faith has been so broken, so far away, a prayer was heard. A single prayer..."Oh please God" that's it that's all I said when the Dr said you where gone..."Oh please God" I cried that night looking out the window at the world I never wanted to enter again.
Your death has changed my world, a sweet girl who could not even crawl yet, has changed me. Not just in a way that a mother changes for their children but in a deep, mountain moving way. Greif is an amazingly powerful emotion and the choices of it's wrath are always at war. The choices you have to make daily are no longer what nail color to put on or what oufit to wear...my first thought every morning...choose life today...pray for strength...breathe...yes she is gone, those where just dreams, it was just a dream. I found this quote the other day, "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they're happy." Each night I find a star (one night it was cloudy, I had to pretend that the airplane was a star), and I smile because I do know you are okay and even though I wish I was holding you at that moment showing you the stars and kissing your cheek, I know that you wish the same. Tonight, sweet girl, as a find my star, I see you snuggled in the wings of your angel. I ask that the angel whose wings hold you tonight teach you about the stars and then kiss your cheek just as I would if I was that angel holding you this night. I think Jesus for His Amazing Grace, that saved a wretch like me, because my Redeemer lives I know that someday I will also have my star in heaven...and together we can look down upon our loved ones and let them know we are smiling togther. Until that time comes my sweet girl, I will remember you all the days of my sweet life.