Saturday, November 5, 2011
My Sweet Gift
I hope someday you will look back on this life, this journey that you have taken and I pray that you are proud of the choices you have made, and proud of the man you have become. I can say that I am so very proud of you Dylan. Your smile, your tenderness, your loving spirit are all yours despite everything you have endured the last nine years. When I held you for the first time I loved you so deeply, this love was something that only a mom, a first time mom, experiences. It is at that moment that your life no longer is yours, the choices you make no longer affect only you but they will directly or indirectly affect the new baby that you hold in your arms. As a baby, I cherished your every milestone, every laugh, and every cry. For so long you were a momma's boy and although at times I might have rolled my eyes when you cried as soon as your were held by another...I secretly loved it! I knew, that time would come and go, and come and go it did. So quickly, in fact, that as I write this, nine years later, you are now a young boy. We have fought through the terrible twos. We have loved through the sweet fourth year. I have walked you to your first day of kindergarten. I have cheered for you on the sideline. It has been an amazing nine years. With all the joy, the years have also brought sadness. I know that when your dad and I divorced that loss was so hard for you to understand, I am not sure children ever really do understand, even as adults. You now split your time between two families. Two families that no doubt love you and care for you and only want the absolute best for you but I could only imagine there are times when you wish you didn't have to split your love. As your mom, it is so hard to know that you have another life another family that essentially I do not know about. I miss you terribly when you are not here. When you are here, Jeff and I both do our best to love you and cherish the moments we do have with you.
From the moment I knew Kelsie had died my heart hurt for you. Could I get through the grief, the sadness, the pain and still be the mom you need me to be? Dylan, I pray daily for the strength to live in the moments that God still has planned for us. I will not allow myself to become so swallowed in grief that you become a second thought. God knows this is my heart, this is my cry and I know He will listen and I know that He will give me strength to carry through.
Everyone will experience their own tragedy, some tragedies may seem more tragic than others, but truly if it is your tragedy the pain is no different, the loss is no more sorrowful. I pray that this is the last tragedy that you will ever have to endure but in the event that it is not, I hope you will look back on this and see where I pulled my strength from, I pray that you will see the power of faith and in that moment you will realize that you have a choice, I pray you choose to fall to your knees and that you know that God has a plan for your life and although we may not think it is fair, it is His divine plan and somehow find true comfort in that.
I love you my sweet boy~