My dreams are so vivid sometimes, last night I dreamt that I woke up and your hand prints were all over my bedroom and up and down the hallway. Everyone was yelling at me telling that it wasn't your hand prints but they were there, your little hand prints. You had left your hand prints all over. I would not let anyone clean them off and I did not want to leave the house just in case you decided to come back. It sounds like such a weird dream telling you now but it was so real and so emotional.
I have been putting up all the Christmas stuff, I have to say that because you were just a little peanut growing in my belly this time last year I haven't had to sort through baby's first ornaments, ornaments with your name on them, we didn't even have a stocking for you last year...mostly because we could not come up with a name...that's another story for another day. So the memories are not hard to sort through, it's the what ifs, and what would you do. It's the red full body pajamas with the white bottoms that you will never get to wear and the picture of Dylan in front of the tree with the empty spot next to him that should be you. It's so many nevers and millions of wishes this Christmas.
Dylan came home Sunday and he was wowed by all the Christmas decor he said man if Kelsie were here her eyes would be so big just looking at all this stuff. Every time he talks about you I feel this little tug at my heart. It's so sweet and so loving, he is such a good big brother. He's the kind of brother that every little girl who has only had sisters wishes they had. He loves you so much and while you were here took such good care of you and he still does. Kelsie Sloane, I am counting on you now to watch over and take care of him.
I am looking for the perfect stocking to hang with your name. It has to be perfect because I will hang this stocking for the rest of my life right next to mine. I am going to write you a sweet note each Christmas just to tell you about our year. I may put a family picture in there as well. You will always be a part of our Christmas celebration. I bet you are all busy up there getting everything ready for Jesus' birthday. What a celebration that must be. I think of you in Heaven and wonder what it's like for you, sometimes it brings me peace and sometimes I just cry. I know I know I know that you are taken care of but I sure do wish I could just peek through Heavens door and check on you, just to make sure, just like I did hundred times a day when you were with me. Last night as I turned out all the lights and I walked toward the stairs, I looked down at my empty arms and I imagined I could see your sleeping face and I could feel your body, I could smell your scent, I could hear you breathe. I closed my eyes and I just held on to that for as long as I could. I will never forget those sweet moments I had with you...they are treasured!
Well little lady I have much to do today, I just had to send a little note to heaven let you know I love you, I miss you terribly and little sister, you are my sunshine!
Love to my sweet daughter~
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you. John 14:18