Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Burden of Grief

When I fell to my knees in the middle of the Los Colinas Medical parking lot and cried Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.  No no no no Oh God I cried as my knees buckled and my soul darkened, I knew on that day and for all the days ahead of me I would need my God.  I knew that I was not strong enough to face the days alone, I was too weak to carry my family through this, I knew that I needed Him.  There was no struggle: do I trust, do I not.  Do I hate God:,do I love God...there was just God, my heart, and this overwhelming since sorrow.

Yesterday I had someone ask me, how are you not mad at God for taking your little girl, how do you stand here and talk and smile?  I told her, I really don't know, there are really only moments that I am able to be this way, to be strong.  I pray a lot...  She said "Well I couldn't pray to a God that took my daughter."  I just shifted the conversation at that point. This conversation keeps replaying in my head and I keep going over all the things I wish I had said but in a state of such vulnerability I am just unable to find the right words.

When I lost my beloved daughter, I didn't find God...He found me.  Over the past month and a half God has taught me more about Him, His love and therefore I have truly learned more about myself.  In the past I have struggled with Christianity, church, religion.  I never felt like I fit in, I didn't understand God the way the truly "strong" Christians did.  I didn't pray like the others, I would look at others Bibles around me and would feel a sense of defeat because mine did not have all those verses highlighted.  I am serious I have always felt so inferior, not because anyone made me feel that way or because they said things to make me feel that way.  It was my own insecurities about the things I had done and the choices I had made.  I knew the kind of person I wanted to be but I struggled with the person I am.  The day I lost my daughter those insecurities melted away.  My world became something different.  I am no longer a person that wants to be a Christian, I am a wife, a mother, a friend that seeks Christ because I am too weak to face my days without Him.  Why do I pray, I pray because God is the only one that understands my mutters and there is no explanation, there is no brave face there is just me, His beloved.  Am I angry at God, yep I am so angry sometimes I can hardly take it.  I yell, I ask why a hundred times, I am mad that there are no answers just an empty baby's room, but God is the only one I can be mad at that doesn't get mad back, doesn't get offended, doesn't make me feel guilty.  I believe the only one that can truly understand, and take my burden of grief head on is God.  Not because I want to be a strong Christian do I seek him, it is because He found me at my weakest and takes me as I am that I love Him.  And this my friend is how (in my moments) I stand, how I smile, how I love through the pain.  I am a ragamuffin saved by grace.


  1. "a ragamuffin saved by grace"... you're not the only one! you're awesome, summer rae!

  2. we all feel that way sometimes to...i had that question ask of me to...why didn't i hate god for taking my son,i just stood there unable to answer them..i wasnt always at church every sunday and i am ashamed to say that i don't know the Bible like some do..i pray and i wander at times does he understand my crazy prayers, i don't pray like alot of people do..i ask him to watch over my other two boys and my grandkids and my husband and i pray for someone who needs a my own heart i know he understands them..i ask him why he took my son and i never got answers and to this day i still hurt over a lost child and a piece of my heart is missing and i miss him every day even though its been 10years since he died..i still have those days where i cry all day...but its ok to do that,sometimes i go and sit at his grave,just cause it makes me feel close to him..oh Summer i wish i could take your pain away that i know hurts like hell.i love how you write about your feelings and your little girl..don't ever stop...we will see our babies one day...

  3. You are doing so well articulating your loss, I hope writing down your thoughts and sorrow is helping <3

  4. I don't even know what to say except that God is SO GOOD and He has you and He understands what it means to lose a child. "You never let go" by Matt Redman comes to mind. You have always been such a gift to all of those around you. I am learning so many things through our personal trial and so much more through your tragedy of who God really is. At a time that we should be so angry at God (and sometimes are) He is the only One that truly understands our hearts. The beautiful thing about grace is that it isn't about what we do or don't do, it is about how much He loves us. That is hard for my works-based mind to grasp, but I am learning.

  5. beautiful. I am a friend of Heather's from a long time back, I followed her link to your blog. you have been in my prayers consistently since I saw the terrible news. God WILL bless your trust and your honesty.

  6. I am a ragamuffin thankful for God's grace!!

  7. You are such a blessing, Summer. You always have been. God not only found you, I believe He is helping you help others. You are a gift to me and I am so, so, so thankful that you are uniquely you.

  8. God can take it, you are right. You can kick and scream, he can handle it. He can handle whatever you need him to. He loves us so much.

  9. Everything you said is exactly the truth and just the way our loving God is. He can take it, and He will use it to help you and your family and in His time He will use you to minister to others. Only by His Grace could you write and believe the things you do. I pray His love, grace and peace continues to fill, heal and strenthen you always.

  10. God showed me this a few days after I got home, not knowing when it would be time to share it with you, I put it in my bible. After reading this blog, I knew it was time.

    It was not GOD'S plan to take Kelsie, but HE knew that HE could trust you with the scars.

    I now understand what HE meant. You, my sweet girl, are sharing HIS LOVE,HIS GRACE and HIS PEACE with the world, all the while HE is carrying you through what no mother should have to endure. I am humbled and honered to be your mom!

  11. To live in the hearts of those I love, is to never die.

  12. Summer as I read your story I am taken back to the emotions and feelings of when I lost my lil Angel Casely Faith. First of all I am truly sorry, second God is truly amazing. It is so true in your words God found me. I always remember growing up hearing of tragedies and thinking I am so Blessed I have never experienced anything like that, then May 20th of 2007 came. I thought my world was over, I could never imagine my life going on any longer, so angry at God why why why. To this day WHY, but one thing out of many I have learned we are not suppose to know why just TRUST. So for that I have and do. Our God is truly a Loving, Caring, amazing God! I don't think I will ever understand why my lil girl had to go home so early, but I do know The Lord is the one who has carried me and still does through this. The only thing I can say is for me and I pray everyday for you one day that you to can wake up with a full and happy heart again and know you can live again, and know your precious Angel Kelsie is holding your hand every step of the way. Going on 5 years this coming may, two babies later and my loving husband life is good. Not a day goes by I dont think, or wonder, or would give anything to hold her again. I do know though when it is my time to go home it will be one of the happiest day of my life to see her smiling face. You truly are a inspiration to me and many others, your Faith amazes me. I pray each and everyday gets a little bit easier as it has for me. Hold on to your Faith!!!!!!

  13. Your words are truly beautiful. I pray for your continued strength and courage. Your insight is incredible. I lost my husband a few months ago, and can relate with God finding you! May God keep you close in the palm of His hand. May His love carry you when the load from carrying your pain and heartbreak brings you down. You are an inspiration and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. Summer you don't know me but we do have friends in common: Maggie and Brad. I have been praying for you fervently and daily through your loss and so am very touched by your postings. This one in particular touched my heart with what God can do when we surrender totally. I can't say I understand your feelings about your loss but I can say I understand your feelings about God. Stand strong in Him and it is amazing what you will be able and can do.

    I will continue to pray for you. Blessings from another friend in Katy you didn't know you had.

  15. Last night after I read this, I heard this song and I sit down and wrote the words so I could share it with you
    When I call on Jesus

    I'm so very ordinary
    Nothing special on my own
    I have never walked on water
    I have never calmed a storm
    Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
    Like a child who is afraid of the dark

    But when I call on Jesus
    All things are possible
    I can mount on wings like eagels and soar
    When I call on Jesus
    Mountians are going to fall
    'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

    Weary brother
    Broken mother
    Widowed, widowed lover
    You're not alone
    If your tired and scared of the madness around you
    If you can't find the strength to carry on

    Call Him in the morning
    In the afternoon time
    Late in the evenin
    He'll be there
    When your heart is broken
    And you feel discouraged
    You can just remember that He said
    He'll be there

    In those times you want to pray and the words just won't come, Just say Jesus,Jesus,Jesus and He will be there. love mom