Yesterday I had someone ask me, how are you not mad at God for taking your little girl, how do you stand here and talk and smile? I told her, I really don't know, there are really only moments that I am able to be this way, to be strong. I pray a lot... She said "Well I couldn't pray to a God that took my daughter." I just shifted the conversation at that point. This conversation keeps replaying in my head and I keep going over all the things I wish I had said but in a state of such vulnerability I am just unable to find the right words.
When I lost my beloved daughter, I didn't find God...He found me. Over the past month and a half God has taught me more about Him, His love and therefore I have truly learned more about myself. In the past I have struggled with Christianity, church, religion. I never felt like I fit in, I didn't understand God the way the truly "strong" Christians did. I didn't pray like the others, I would look at others Bibles around me and would feel a sense of defeat because mine did not have all those verses highlighted. I am serious I have always felt so inferior, not because anyone made me feel that way or because they said things to make me feel that way. It was my own insecurities about the things I had done and the choices I had made. I knew the kind of person I wanted to be but I struggled with the person I am. The day I lost my daughter those insecurities melted away. My world became something different. I am no longer a person that wants to be a Christian, I am a wife, a mother, a friend that seeks Christ because I am too weak to face my days without Him. Why do I pray, I pray because God is the only one that understands my mutters and there is no explanation, there is no brave face there is just me, His beloved. Am I angry at God, yep I am so angry sometimes I can hardly take it. I yell, I ask why a hundred times, I am mad that there are no answers just an empty baby's room, but God is the only one I can be mad at that doesn't get mad back, doesn't get offended, doesn't make me feel guilty. I believe the only one that can truly understand, and take my burden of grief head on is God. Not because I want to be a strong Christian do I seek him, it is because He found me at my weakest and takes me as I am that I love Him. And this my friend is how (in my moments) I stand, how I smile, how I love through the pain. I am a ragamuffin saved by grace.