Monday, November 28, 2011
An onion, someone had once described my journey of Faith to me as an onion and the layers are peeled off one by one. I thought I had peeled most of those layers off. Well this is not the case. Those suppressed, yes I now know I had only suppressed, feelings are now a contribution to this new sense of loss.
Lack of sympathy
Lack of empathy
These are coping mechanisms that as a young girl I used to build this wall. A wall that I used to protect myself from the world. I didn't know better, I didn't understand then that these where only destructive emotions and that building a protective wall with only these supplies would inhibit my ability to contribute to fulfilling relationships. Over the years I have taken each experience, each failed relationship, each failed friendship and I have always looked at myself and asked myself what could I have done differently what part of myself contributed and I really have tried to take whatever contributing factor good or bad and worked on that part of me. Hoping that the next relationship or friendship I will be better, more loving, more thoughtful, more open.
All of this leads me to Jeff, my husband. In the short time that we have been together we have together really worked at trying to make me more a wife and less of a husband. Ha, not physically but emotionally yes, I have many emotional characteristics that many would say that their husbands exhibit. A toughness that in the beginning I know Jeff respected and adored, but today is an emotional obstacle that is very hard for him or I to overcome. The absolute hardest part of this is grieving with but differently than your spouse. How can you be there for someone the way that they truly need you to be when it is emotionally and even physically exhausting just to get out of bed most days. How do you put aside your own selfish "grieving" needs and support your husband who is grieving just as you are grieving if not worse.
I can tell you my prayers are so childlike, I do hope it is true that God knows your heart. I hope He knows that when I mumble Jeff's name over and over again. When that's all I can get out that I really am praying for our marriage and for our love to truly endure this tragedy. I am praying for so many things that even as I write the words do not come. How do you find the love, the marriage, you once had. How do you rebuild, put the pieces back togther when such a catastrophic storm has hit your beleoved shores. The answers to these questions are different for everyone and for us we will never know the how to's. For now I just mumble Jeff's name as I stumble through so many prayers.
I pray that through this journey the layers of so many negative emotions are truly peeled away. That the loving wife, the thoughtful wife, the vulnerable sympathetic and empatheitic wife that I want to be, that I need to be will be there again.
I walk up and down this short flight of stairs and I look at these pictures everyday. Sometimes I look and I smile, sometimes I cry, sometimes I wonder who is this family that seems so happy, I am reminded of the family that I still have and I am reminded of a daughter that is still gone but evertime I run my hand up or down that rail I am reminded of a family that lives, that loves and that still laughs even through the hardest times. My heart is just as empty as it is full.