Empty Me

November 11, 2011- Today we should be at your borther's friday live together.  You and I should be there, all the kids turning around to look at you, all the teachers doting on how cute you are.  It's cold outside, I never really got to bundle you up in all the winter clothes I  had waiting for you.  The cute hats, the mittens, the precious little hot pink cardigan.

Last night we recieved the death certificate.  What?!  If there ever was any denial about you being gone, that slapped me right out of it.  A death certificate for a six month old, cherished girl.  I could ask God why, why me?  But I know the answer to that doesn't come and may never come.  So I just breathe as I do every time something like this hits me.  The feeling still so raw, so hard to escape.  Today you would be 7 months old.  I am sure I would have taken your picture today to mark the milestone.  I am sure I would have held you tight and wished you a happy 7 month, just as I did with the precious six. 

Oh my God, what I would not give to old my little girl today, to kiss her, to talk to her, to laugh with her!  Why did you take her, so quickly?  Did you not think walking past her bedroom every morning, every evening and before I went sleep each night, would not sting?   The coldness of her room is unbearable.  I pull into the driveway every day to see her window, again another reminder of the emptiness I am forced to deal with.  Did you not know how much she would be missed?  I keep asking these questions, knowing that you knew full well that this would hurt, this would sting so now I am back to why. 

Today Lord I will have to find strength in You to dig deep to remember her life and not dwell on the emptiness of her death.  Today it stings, it stings like hell.  The path that has been forced upon my family, is just too much to take on alone. I could not find solace in your word this morning like I do most mornings, nothing would comfort me.  Even as write, there is no comfort only the sting of an empty baby bed.