When one pink line turned into two I loved you. You stretched my belly, pounced on my bladder, and asked my body to store fat in places I had never known existed. You came into this world with ease, thanks to your big brother who never wanted to leave the comfort of my belly and was forced to do so by C-section. I remember your first cry, that sound is still so vivid in my memories. I looked at you for the first time and said “Oh my gosh you look just like your dad.” And you did, you had his sweet brown eyes, his amazing smile that lights up everyone’s heart. I had loved you as you grew inside me but now to hold you, to see you, to smell you...my cup overflow. Your favorite songs “No Woman No Cry” and “You Are My Sunshine” I would sing these songs to you and gently take my hand and touch your sweet face and an instant calm would come over you. Well not every single time, some nights your Dad walked miles around the house holding you buckled into your bouncy seat. We rolled our eyes and laughed when he would sit you down and you instantly started to cry. Oh my sweet Kelsie, you brought so much joy to our home. Your laugh was contagious, Dylan still watches your videos just to hear your laugh. It was the craziest laugh I have ever heard almost like a human hyena. When I put you down to sleep at night, I could not wait until morning to hold you again. It really didn’t bother me that your mornings started at 4 am, I loved that time we had together. It was special to watch you turn into a Daddy’s girl and to see how much you adored your big brother. All this love from one little girl. This amazing love that you wrapped around our hearts and everyone that knew you. Even today your love is here. For me there is no such thing as child loss, you are not lost. You are very much a part of our lives. Your pictures are still on our walls and will always be. I remember your smile and it encourages me to smile at everyone, you never know how much a warm smile can change a life…your smile changed ours. Every time we see a daisy, that’s you, that’s you bringing your light into our hearts. You are not lost, you are not gone forever; you are our promise of life beyond the grief, the pain, the tears, and the heartache. A promise that began long ago on an old rugged cross and will soon be full filled on that great day when the trumpets sound and we are all are together again in the that field of daisies that I dreamt about a 2 years ago today.
Journal Entry Dated 4/11/2012
When the dark becomes a bright light,
Jesus meets me there.
His scared hand wipe my tears away.
The arms that once stretched across a wooden cross
These are the arms that are embracing me.
I hear His voice,
My beloved I have someone I want you to see.
I see a young woman in a field of beautiful bright daisies.
Her beautiful flawless figure reaches down
She plucks a beautiful white daisy from the this new land
Her caramel brown eyes meet mine
Her smile, I remember how much I have missed that smile.
My smile, I have not ever smiled like this.
It's more than a movement of my mouth,
It's an emotion, is this what joy truly is, yes I think so.
I look over to my left and I see Jesus there,
Is this her? I don't say it out loud, but He nods to confirm.
I look back to her and there she is.
She places the daisy in my hair.
Her arms fall around my neck.
I fall into her embrace.
Tears fall, but the pain that has accompanied them all these years is gone.
I hear the words, I love you Mom.
Without speaking I respond I love you, Kelsie.