I am not ever sure how to respond when someone tells me that my faith inspires them. I usually smile and nod. Truthfully, internally, I want them to know that my faith is so flawed, so weak. Some days I am one Buddhist quote away from conversion. I am confused. I have one simple prayer "I don't know what to believe, help me, don't let me go in my struggle". Scripture does not comfort me any longer. I pray with Dylan every night he is with me, a few nights ago I caught myself telling him that God doesn't just pass your test for you. (He wanted me to pray that he will pass the STARS test). Really?! I now am somehow unbeknownst to myself God's referee. This comes from a place of complete ignorance, I am completely aware of this. I just don't know how and quite frankly I don't know if I want to get to the other side of ignorance.
I am stuck between the God of Abraham and the God of 2014. I know He stays the same but I do believe we have made him into a different god. I am confused when I look at what the world has become and God's part in it. I am confused when one mom praises God in her storm, with tears in her eyes as the very breathe slips from her baby and another mom who praises God because her baby was healed. Why did I lose my baby? Why do I see horrible parents who get to keep their baby? Why are million dollar churches being built as homeless children walk past, when people of that very church go nights without electricity, food, water. These cracks in my faith cause an internal struggle that I fight from the time I wake up until I lay my head on pillow at night. When I hear every day how everyone is #blessed and I am playing hide and seek with my "blessings" because apparently they are all in disguise I have to remember the first two Beatitudes;
Blessed are the poor in spirit- check
Blessed are those who mourn- check
I don't blame the #blessed sayers but I ask God, is this You? Are we praising the God Paul praised as he was beaten, starving, deserted in a prison. Is this the same God that Moses trusted as he walked around and around and around the desert for forty years? When all the #blessings are stripped away what do you thank God for? Would you still trust God in that 39th year of roaming aimlessly in a desert? Could we handle that God?
Who are You Lord, what have we turned You in to?
There is my struggle and that is where I am at today, my flawed faith.