Still Missing, Still Grieving

We cleaned out Kelsie's room a few weeks ago.  The depth of that grief is beyond words, another loss, another reminder of her absence.  Her smell, oh my god, her smell.  I touched everything.  Tears poured, one drop after another.  A bag full of books.  I picked up the one I remember reading to her every night, and almost every morning. 

Wherever You Are
my love will find you
~Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it.  It's quick as an elf.  You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb my mountain...climb up to the sky!  My love will find you.  My love can fly!

Make a big splash!  Go out on a limb!  My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...

paint 'til your blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday, you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad...just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.  That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea..in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day..."You are loved.  You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and even so deep, it's always right there, even when you are asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.  If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you wherever you are.


I had no idea reading this to her, that it would be her love that would find me...her love that keeps my head held high.  My darling, my angel, my star, wherever you are...your love wraps around me in the cool evening breeze, the clouds as they dance right outside my balcony window, the daisies that always appear.  I don't even have to look, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and my sweet girl, your love finds me wherever I am.

I still miss you!  ~Always