Today I just sat with the pain, allowed the ache to rise from my chest and explode from the corners of my eyes. If grief truly is an expression of our love, then I loved like crazy today.
I miss her.
I did nothing to numb my pain, I didn't pick up the phone to talk to anyone. I didn't turn on the TV. I tried to stay unconnected from social networking. I sent a few messages and replied to a couple of text messages but overall today was about Kelsie, it was about this ache that I now realize is a big part of who I am and days like today it's all I am. Almost a year and a half into this journey I realize for me it is so important to acknowledge the hurt. Take the time to cry and understand that for me it is necessary. I run from it daily no doubt, I could not continue on if I had days like today back to back to back. That's ok to. I continually pray for discernment in running to people and things that will support me in a positive way and guide me to continue to look to the hills and always know exactly where my help comes from. I find ways to fill the void with something positive. Friendships, a new puppy, a new business, planting flowers, crafting, photography, baseball games, date nights. I am learning to be gentle with myself, to let others opinions of my grieving roll off to the left and to the right. In the same breath I am working hard to honor other's expression of grief as well. My grief is mine, and my armor doesn't fit anyone else but me.
The pain wasn't dark today, it was not suffocating, it was just "the missing". It was a lifetime of memories that will never be. Terrible two's never coming. A sweet brown eyed girl. A smile so deeply missed. Daisies all around as a reminder of her but also of her absence. There was no questioning God today, I will never understand this side of Heaven. That's ok, I know my new address is waiting for me. It seems strange to say but today the ache was sweet, painful no doubt, but even the pain was tender.
The healing has begun. I am confident that Jesus, no matter how far I have tried to push away has never left my side and even when I thought that He would never help me through this He has been there.
Every.single.tear he has captured.
Every.single.step he has been there.
My hope, it no longer allows the darkness of my grief to consume me, today was perfect evidence of that.
Now when people take an oath, they call on someone greater than themselves to hold them to it. And without any question that oath is binding. God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind. So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 16-20