In the strange emotions of grief there is a dichotomy of joy and overwhelming sadness, doubt and truth, love and anger, discernment and confusion, the heaviness of today and the promise of tomorrow.
Easter weekend, was the very first holiday that we celebrated with Kelsie. I have not celebrated since, well not in the bunnies, pastels, and egg hunt way.
And he went forward a little, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass away from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt. (Matthew 26:39)
I celebrate this moment.
For it is in this moment that Jesus surrendered. His surrender, His sacrifice, His selfless love, allows my heart to trust...it was the joy that was set before him, that Jesus endured the cross, scorning it's shame and when the curtain was torn and the tomb was empty, He returned to the right hand of the Throne of God. He has promised eternal life. Death is not a curse and it is not the end, it is the promise of life with no more tears, no more pain. Today's pain is no different than any other. This promise, it does not take away the sadness of missing my baby. The hope in the joy set before me, it does keep my soul anchored to the One who loves.
So no, I have not bought one Easter basket, dyed any eggs, pastels...I never really like them anyways. There is no wreath that threw up plastic eggs hanging on my door. Peeps, eww they are disgusting.
My grief does not allow me to fall in love with Easter. My grief will only allow me to walk through the resurrection of my Savior and again and again place what that means to me, inside my broken heart.
A promise that this life is but a breath.