Resting in the shadows. I think that is the best way to describe the last three months. Shadows. I rarely talk to God anymore, and I rarely want to listen to Him. When darkness goes from a creep to a full on lights out dark...you just begin to move, barely. You move from one place to another. Switching scenery only because you hope for a little more oxygen in the next room. You move, that is all you can do is move. Three months, just moving.
I am emerging, slowly one light at time flickers. I feel here, present, I can see today, I can accomplish a "to do" list. I can.
Today as I prepared a package to send to a friend, I grabbed my dusty bible and I just stared onto the pages. The truth, my shield, it is so dusty. I knew the scripture I wanted, I probably could have just wrote it on the card, but there was a longing to feel the leather, to see the highlights, to skim through the thin pages. To run my index finger across the words in red. Then to Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with feathers, and under the shadow of His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. One tiny tear fell from its familiar corner and slowly it slid off my cheek and joined the freckles on my shoulders. My faithfulness is weak, I am Job's wife, that mean crabby woman that tells her husband to curse God and die. I tread in the shallow waters, I can say I do long for the deep water faith that praises God throughout the entire storm. I long for that but the truth is, I am so torn from who I want God to be and who He is, that I can only praise Him if the waters aren't really that high, if the pain is not blood curdling. Today God wrapped his arms around my cold careless soul and whispered to me "It is MY (not your) faithfulness that keeps you, it is MY(not your) faithfulness that is your shield, I am your protection, your rampart" As my cold careless soul warmed in His presence tears fell violently until they just stopped. I needed this, I needed to remember that His love is different, it's pure. When so many things and so many people require a "to do" list, He does not. His love is different.