Dylan sat on the couch shortly after Kelsie was born flipping through pictures on my phone. "Kelsie, Kelsie, Kelsie...mom you only take pictures of Kelsie...Oh here is one of me, in the background with Kelsie" I laughed and said, oh Dylan I have eight years of pictures of you, and trust me when you were a baby, I took lots of pictures. I felt a twinge of guilt in that moment...a range of thoughts from "Am I favoring Kelsie?" "Am I ruining my sons life?" You know the crazy things your mind does as mom. A mom who puts the expectations of perfect balance on her shoulders.
Tonight as I click through pictures trying to put a calendar together for Jeff, I am paralyzed by her face. I gaze at her smile through tear filled eyes. An upward swoop emerges from the corners of my mouth when I remember the brightness of her brown eyes. I sit with her pictures. They all stop at a certain point. There are no more milestones. I am perfectly aware from one picture to the next of October 14 2011 and the thereafter. It's crazy that I could even take photographs, and even more mind blowing that there were a lot of smiles in the pictures that come after her smile is gone. Tonight it is time to sit with a well known companion of mine...grief.
So I sit, I sit and I allow the tears to stream. I allow the pain to sting. I go from previous to next, back to previous and I stop again at next when I know...I know that I can only go to previous to find what was once mine and is now just previous. I can only stare at her face...a sweet face that I haven't touched in over a year. <3 KELSIE <3