I circle around the tiny shattered pieces of a life knocked over. What do I do? Do I pick up the pieces and put it back together like it was? Do I just collect the pieces and drop them in the trash and accept it all as loss? Do I pick up the pieces and use them to make something new? I understand to the ungrieved soul you might say the easy answer is to just pick the pieces up and make something new or trust in Him who makes all things new. I have that scripture in a frame in my bathroom, I read it every single day. But, to my deeply grieved soul, picking up those pieces is exhausting, the memories are this dual edged sword. Each piece I pick up I relive a memory. Those memories bring a smile to my face and devastation to my soul, all in the same exact moment. Yesterday cleaning out the garage I picked a box of #2 size pampers up out of the rubble. I felt the weight of grief consume me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Tears fell as my mind went back to that day, the day I picked up diapers just before I should have picked her up from daycare. I looked at the throw away pile and my chest felt like it was going to explode inside me at even the thought of throwing them away. I gently sat them down on the shelf with all the other "keep" stuff. Physically impossible to throw a box of diapers that will never be used, physically impossible.
Spinning in circles looking at all these pieces, I have come face to face with my reality. I am aware of the weakness of my human nature and the dark side of life overwhelms me daily. "The darkness comes, no matter how hard we try to hold it off. However threatening we must face it, and we must face it alone." (A Grace Disguised, Jerry Sittser) I believe, for me it is time for genuine mourning. Mourning with an understanding that this is necessary. I need to feel the anguish in my soul, the sorrow that I have kept reserved. It's time to face it head on, it's a must. If I continue to work so hard to out run it, I am terribly afraid trying to out run it, is all I am ever going to do my entire life. I can no longer "stay strong" it's time to collapse so that I am stronger. This is a season of solitude and grief, genuine grief.