Shattered. Like a pottery vase...shattered. What I thought about this world, what I thought about myself, my husband, my son, my daughter, my family...shattered. For a year, I stood in front of this shattered vase, in shock, not knowing which piece to pick up first. Most days not even wanting to admit that it was broken. So today, thirteen months later, I feel like it is time to slowly pick up the pieces.
Trust God, trust in Him, trust in is sovereignty. But wait, if He is sovereign, and His rule reigns, then this life that I have didn't happen to me and surprise my God. Every little piece of it had to fall through His hands. Every broken hearted moment of this last year went through His hands. Every tear that fell into His hands, He knew before it even dripped from the corner of my eye. Trust God. It's the first place I start, when I look at the pieces. Faithfully trusting Him, and trusting in His sovereignty. I wrestle, lament, and retract more than I repent and embrace. Every piece that I pick up, I have to Trust God to lead me to the right pieces, teach me how I put those pieces back together. I have to do this knowing that it will never ever look the same again. It will never be whole without flaw. The world and it's suffering will peek through each crevice. The surface will no longer be smooth and level. Some pieces will poke out, some, chipped. The vase will no longer have a steady base to rest easily on, the risk of breaking again is just one touch, one slide of the elbow and "crash" it is shattered again. Trust God. Trust in the brokenness and trust in His plan of a broken life. I can't say that without feeling like sawdust is spewing from my mouth. Romans 8: here is where my mind wonders so many times throughout the day. I read it at least once a day because Lord knows I can't memorize it. I read it out loud. Reading it quietly just does not do it justice. I want to hear the words Paul wrote, when I hear them I feel them, when I feel them, I trust in Him.
One piece at a time. One day at a time. One moment after another. Learning to find joy in the life I still have been blessed with, and learning to grieve on in the life that I find joy in.