Thursday, October 4, 2012

Someone New Someone Different

Last night I fell into a friends arms, crying in the middle of a work event.  I could not believe it will be a year in just over a week. 

You don't think you can make it when it begins.  Looking back I think this last year, for me, has been sorting through this new person that has been forced upon me, this different life that I was shoved into.  By far the most intense year of my life.  I am someone new.  I am a woman who prays, but most importantly I believe in the power of prayer.  I prayed before, but it was mostly because I thought it was something I had to do.  This morning I prayed because I wanted desperately to be near to my Savior.  I am highly sensitive to the demeanor and attitude of others.  I realize now that people and their negative reaction to me or to the situation that they are a part of isn't an offense towards me.  People are hurting, people are falling apart on the inside.  Most of the time, the more a person tries to give the impression that they are put together, they are crumbling at the seams.  Before I react, I now try to embrace..  I smile at the girl in the drive thru, I take time to ask her how her day is.  I pull over and give my last granola bar to the man walking up down the street holding a card board sign.  I talk to him, I give him a hug.  I am now a friend who calls back, and now most of the time I am the friend that is calling.  I try my best to engage in meaningful friendships.  I need them, never thought I needed them before, this is different.  I need a community, a church community, to run to, to talk to, to pray with, to do life with.   I hug more.  I cry more.  I went from a size 10 to a size 14 and it didn't change the way I feel about myself, I just simply bought some bigger pants.  I am different.  I don't look into other people's life and wish I had... no thank you.  I miss Kelsie and I wish I could talk about her more.  I wish I had more pictures to share.  I wish I had a toddler's toys to step on.  I miss her.  I do the best I can with Dylan.  We pray, this is different.  I can see past the behavior issues into his heart, most of the time.  This is different, before I did mostly behavior modification, now I see his heart.  I blog.  I am a new wife, not always a better wife, but a new wife.  Jeff and I now have this bond, a bond that not even Kelsie's birth gave us.  It is our gift from God.  A bond that has made us truly one.  Not "one" without many rough roads and many more to come but "one" never the less. I don't care if people know the bad stuff.  It's okay to share the "ungood" moments of life.  I'm ok.  I can cry from the inside out and from the outside in.  I carry guilt, I carry shame. I carry her memory.  I have Jesus who desperatley wants to take these burdens and carry them for me.  I grieve best in silence.  Those closest know the silence I can't speak of, it's silent.  I long for the sound of trumpets.  I know scripture by heart only because God has tattooed it on my heart.   I am a bereaved mother, someone new, someone different but still someone. 


1 comment:

  1. yes, forever changed... Lord, may it be for the BETTER!

    summer, your words brought another set of verses to mind...

    "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

    And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

    And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely." -Revelations 21:4-6

    In those verses, He reminds us that this hurt right now is fleeting... He will make all things NEW... and that He knows our story from beginning to end... our faithful God knows where this bend in our road will lead. We can trust Him... we just have to keep following His lead.

    Praying for you tonight.