Last night I fell into a friends arms, crying in the middle of a work event. I could not believe it will be a year in just over a week.
You don't think you can make it when it begins. Looking back I think this last year, for me, has been sorting through this new person that has been forced upon me, this different life that I was shoved into. By far the most intense year of my life. I am someone new. I am a woman who prays, but most importantly I believe in the power of prayer. I prayed before, but it was mostly because I thought it was something I had to do. This morning I prayed because I wanted desperately to be near to my Savior. I am highly sensitive to the demeanor and attitude of others. I realize now that people and their negative reaction to me or to the situation that they are a part of isn't an offense towards me. People are hurting, people are falling apart on the inside. Most of the time, the more a person tries to give the impression that they are put together, they are crumbling at the seams. Before I react, I now try to embrace.. I smile at the girl in the drive thru, I take time to ask her how her day is. I pull over and give my last granola bar to the man walking up down the street holding a card board sign. I talk to him, I give him a hug. I am now a friend who calls back, and now most of the time I am the friend that is calling. I try my best to engage in meaningful friendships. I need them, never thought I needed them before, this is different. I need a community, a church community, to run to, to talk to, to pray with, to do life with. I hug more. I cry more. I went from a size 10 to a size 14 and it didn't change the way I feel about myself, I just simply bought some bigger pants. I am different. I don't look into other people's life and wish I had... no thank you. I miss Kelsie and I wish I could talk about her more. I wish I had more pictures to share. I wish I had a toddler's toys to step on. I miss her. I do the best I can with Dylan. We pray, this is different. I can see past the behavior issues into his heart, most of the time. This is different, before I did mostly behavior modification, now I see his heart. I blog. I am a new wife, not always a better wife, but a new wife. Jeff and I now have this bond, a bond that not even Kelsie's birth gave us. It is our gift from God. A bond that has made us truly one. Not "one" without many rough roads and many more to come but "one" never the less. I don't care if people know the bad stuff. It's okay to share the "ungood" moments of life. I'm ok. I can cry from the inside out and from the outside in. I carry guilt, I carry shame. I carry her memory. I have Jesus who desperatley wants to take these burdens and carry them for me. I grieve best in silence. Those closest know the silence I can't speak of, it's silent. I long for the sound of trumpets. I know scripture by heart only because God has tattooed it on my heart. I am a bereaved mother, someone new, someone different but still someone.