Anger, the sound of that word makes me want to scream. I want it to go away, I pray it away, I beg, I plead but it doesn't. Anger is right there, you barely have to scratch the surface, more like a tap, and it explodes from within. I am not really talking about, turning green with Hulk like anger, although on some occasions, yes, I am mostly talking about the anger that slowly seeps from my pores. The anger that I hold in, that I try to keep silent. It may not yell, but I see it emerging in nasty ways. I have tried to hide it. Anger is not something you can speak about with a pretty red bow wrapped around it. Nevertheless, it is so real, and so very much a part of this journey. Trying to ignore or pretty up it's existence is driving me mad. For me, the anger comes from just being so tired. So tired of fighting every day. Fighting for joy to overcome the sadness. Fighting to mourn and to live. Fighting for my marriage. Fighting for my son. Fighting for strength. Fighting to hold back the tears. Fighting to smile. Gritting my teeth, every time someone asks, how many children do you have. Fighting the enemy and lies he screams into my ears. Fighting to believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If I am not fighting for all these things, I struggle with guilt and shame because I should be fighting, they are all worth fighting for. I scream in silence. I ask God why. I lament. I pray. On my knees I pray. I keep singing. I keep fighting, I have all my life. When I am done playing the martyr, God brings to a safe place, and reminds me "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." (1TIM 6:12) Here is my confession, my anger rages within. I know all to well there is only One who can tame it, who can take it away. Today, I believe that it is the thorn in my side, anger is my reminder that my journey to holiness has just begun, and I will not truly get there until I am there.
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great
revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to
torment me. (2 COR 12:7)
I heard a quote on the radio yesterday, "Don't make the answer to your prayers, more important that the One you are praying to". I have worked so hard at praying my anger away that it has become this barrier between God and I. I am angry that the anger still exists. I am angry that I did not react the way I prayed it would. Anger just snowballs, it's a slow fade that eventually turns into an avalanche of destruction. This morning, I woke up with a new prayer. "Father I am angry, I am mad at You, I am mad at my husband, I am mad at the strangers in Target who have their baby smiling at them in the buggy, I am mad. Abba, Father! Have mercy on me, I am angry."