Don't judge me, you have no idea the storms that I have to go through every day. How, just to breath, some days is terrible.
I suck at getting it right. I just suck. I was terrible at it before Kelsie passed away, I am so very terrible at it now. If you can't handle our culture's pressure of perfection, can I get a loud AMEN. UGH, I miss the big things, I miss the small things. I miss Kelsie. Missing her makes life so imperfect. I have decided that it is more beneficial for me to be okay with messy life than it is for me to work towards perfection. My floors are dirty, my laundry is piled up up and up. I don't know when I need to discipline Dylan for acting out or when I need to hold him because he too is grieving. Often I get the two very mixed up and fail at my response. I forget to take clothes out of the washing machine, I dry them and hang them with a molded smell and use bath and body works to mask the smell. Sometimes, yes sometimes, they sit on floor for days-clean clothes on the floor. I get home from picking up Dylan and as we pull into the driveway I realize that he has talked to me the whole way and I have no idea what he said. Did I respond to his questions? I don't know, I don't even know. We do pop tarts because I can't wake up early enough for anything else. I am so not capable of being "that" wife for my husband. Some days I like him, some days I barely tolerate him. I roll my eyes if he asks me to iron his clothes. I pull away from his embrace, I'm too busy trying to be perfect to hug. I yell, I cry, I laugh. I leave dishes in my sink over night, night after night. I am so not perfect, so very not perfect and for me that is okay. Starting today, that is okay.
PS: Thank goodness for spell check. Eight spelling errors in this short little post not to mention all the grammatical errors that I don't know how to correct and don't care.
Amen sister! Way to go sweetie! I just loved your post. Why because it's the truth. It's how you are feeling and you are embracing it. You are NOT in denial and you are not blaming others for your problems.You are just a human being who is going through a really hard time and you are admitting it to the world. That takes GUTS! Let me let you in on a little secret. Everyone feels the same way you do, they just don’t admit it. Between you and me, If you came to my house on a random Wednesday night, you would find shoes, bras, and junk mail all over the house. Why? Because you caught me in the middle of a work week. Saturday is my cleaning day duh! LOL! Yes, I love to cook and clean but I can't do it everyday along with all my other tasks. It's just not possible. I let go of that dream a long time ago, and guess what my hubby still loves me anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo here's to not being perfect! I know that Dylan and your hubby think you are fabulous just the way you are!!!!
Perfect and happy go hand in hand in the overrated dept. It is okay to not strive for perfection, even if you do you will fail. Only Our God is perfect and in Him you are also. You just keep getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, God will give you the strength to do the rest. I wish I was there to hug you. I love you and so do your husband and your son.
ReplyDelete