Moving on. You have to, you really do have to. I have to be further along than I was October 14, 2011. Seriously we are approaching October 13, 2012. Kelsie's room still has her clothes folded on top of her dresser, just like they were on October 12, 2011. Her sheets are still clean, I had washed them and made her bed the night before she passed away. Moving on. Oh God, puhlease help me. The day is coming that her stuff will be packed away. We will move into another home and all her stuff will be stored away. I don't get to pick out colors for a new room for Keslie. How do I leave the only home that I held her in. That I tucked her to bed every night in. The home that holds a room, an empty room, an empty cradle. How do I walk away? This place, this world is not my home. Yes this is true, but this does not help me endure pain. It's the reminder that I am here and she is there. I have heard them all by now, ALL OF THEM! I know they are all meant for good I have even tried to come up with a few of my own, but I am so sick of the "sayings". It's letters put into words, a band aid that when removed hurts worse than the actual sore itself.
Moving on. It is necessary, it is part of healing. Anyone who suffers loss, also suffocates in the moving on. It is suffocating. That is the best way I can describe it. Seeing life change so quickly just within a year. Praying, Lamenting, Begging, Forgiving, Screaming, Crying, Loving, Hating, Laughing, Talking, Throwing, Spinning and the quiet. The stillness that still catches me off guard. Some days it's like I am standing in the middle of the earth and everyone is spinning around me and some days it's the opposite, I am spinning around while everyone around me is just sitting there. I am so tired. Exhausted does not even describe the tiredness. It is a different kind of tired. My mind is foggy, my body is so heavy. I am weak. I hear God's voice, I hear his quiet whispers but all I can say is "I hear Him". I can't put on my armor the battle is so gruesome. I like to think He is just allowing me to rest for a while. I prayed for rest, I prayed for some quiet.
Summer, My power is made perfect in weakness, and I will fight for you, you need only to be still.
He is there, it's just so quiet.