Friday, September 7, 2012

It's Quiet

Moving on.  You have to, you really do have to.  I have to be further along than I was October 14, 2011.   Seriously we are approaching October 13, 2012.  Kelsie's room still has her clothes folded on top of her dresser, just like they were on October 12, 2011.  Her sheets are still clean, I had washed them and made her bed the night before she passed away.  Moving on.  Oh God, puhlease help me.  The day is coming that her stuff will be packed away.  We will move into another home and all her stuff will be stored away.  I don't get to pick out colors for a new room for Keslie.  How do I leave the only home that I held her in.  That I tucked her to bed every night in.  The home that holds a room, an empty room, an empty cradle.  How do I walk away?  This place, this world is not my home.  Yes this is true, but this does not help me endure pain.  It's the reminder that I am here and she is there.  I have heard them all by now, ALL OF THEM!  I know they are all meant for good I have even tried to come up with a few of my own, but I am so sick of the "sayings".  It's letters put into words, a band aid that when removed hurts worse than the actual sore itself. 

Moving on.  It is necessary, it is part of healing.  Anyone who suffers loss, also suffocates in the moving on.  It is suffocating.  That is the best way I can describe it.  Seeing life change so quickly just within a year.  Praying, Lamenting, Begging, Forgiving, Screaming, Crying, Loving, Hating, Laughing, Talking, Throwing, Spinning and the quiet.  The stillness that still catches me off guard.  Some days it's like I am standing in the middle of the earth and everyone is spinning around me and some days it's the opposite, I am spinning around while everyone around me is just sitting there.  I am so tired.  Exhausted does not even describe the tiredness.  It is a different kind of tired.  My mind is foggy, my body is so heavy.   I am weak.  I hear God's voice, I hear his quiet whispers but all I can say is "I hear Him".  I can't put on my armor the battle is so gruesome.  I like to think He is just allowing me to rest for a while.  I prayed for rest, I prayed for some quiet. 

Summer, My power is made perfect in weakness, and I will fight for you, you need only to be still.

He is there, it's just so quiet.


  1. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

    Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

    For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

    -Matthew 11:28-30

  2. We packed away Christian's things rather quickly since he shared a room with Austin and Noah. I hated for them to open their closet door to grab a shirt and have to reach past his clothes. We put it all in an orange bin (my color for him) and put it in another closet. It was hard. Sometimes I would go to the closet and grab his blue blankie and tuck it under my pillow. I could cry on my pillow and reach my hand under and feel it... the same blankie he would hold and hug and drag around. I would smell it.. touch it.. and no one else had to know.

    We have since moved to Guam and left his things in the attic at our Texas house. I often have to remind myself that we are not leaving him, just things... just things that remind me of him, him who I will never forget whether or not I have these temporal things to remember him by.

    I know I need to be okay leaving those things and I need to be okay if the whole house were to be destroyed. Some days it is easier to be okay than others.

    If you want to remember Kelsie's room, take pictures. Take pictures of all of it... the clothes, the bed, the wall... If you aren't quite ready to make decisions, put the clothes and sheets and keepsakes in a bin and tuck it away for now. Maybe you can do something with it later? Or maybe it will just sit there for a long time. No matter what you decide, IT IS OKAY. There is no wrong way to do things and no time frame that you have to stick with.

    Praying for God to encourage your heart. Praying that you are able to release this burden of having to hold on, knowing that it is really GOD that is holding on to YOU.

    Much love,

  3. I've been debating on whether to share this with you or not, but after reading this I decided to. Please know that in no way am I trying to tell you what to do, I just want to share this story with you. I'm working part-time at a nursing home right now. Saturday, I sat down with one of my 86 year old, very alert, very oriented, very "with it" residents. She shared with me that she lost her 15 year old daughter and said "You know it's funny, I don't miss a 56 year old woman. I miss my 15 year old daughter." We have a very good relationship and I felt comfortable asking some uncomfortable questions, because she is so very wise. I asked her about the pain and the hurting and if it ever goes away. She replied easily, "Oh yes, honey it goes away. It takes a couple of years but it goes away, if you let it." She said "Not one day goes by that I don't think about her. And it doesn't hurt to think about her." I told her I was so relieved to know that and told her about you. I told her I was worried you would always hurt. She asked me about your faith and I shared with her how you've just dove into the Word and have used God as your rock. She said that's wonderful, that you're on the right track. She said you have to cling to God there in the beginning. She described days of not showering, or getting out of bed. How tired she was, just tired all of the time. She also explained that it's different for everybody. She said she was friends with a couple that lost their child, too. She said, that they grieved and were sad the rest of their life. She said, "they just refused to let him go." She said "You tell your friend, when she is ready to, to let go. It's okay to let her daughter go. She's got to keep those happy memories of her baby and let everything else just fade away. It will stop hurting, it will take time, but it will stop." I had to go back to work, but when I walked back down the hall, she came to the door and stopped me and said to tell you that she was praying for you, that she already had and that she would keep praying for you. I told her how you asked for us to pray for your strength, she said "Yes she needs strength. I know exactly how to pray for her and I will keep doing it." - So there you go. I hope that it gives you hope and the knowledge that there will be easier days. It gave me comfort to know that it's possible, it's possible that you might not hurt so terribly. It's possible that the suffocation will subside. The only thing I will say to you is to do whatever YOU need to do. I hope you know that so many of us support you, love you, and pray daily for you. I am so proud of you, too. I wish you could know this lady. I smile to think that one of these days you'll be a stylish granny who is stronger and wiser than any of the rest of us, just like her. Love, Whit

    1. I can't tell you how much I needed to read this tonight. Not last night, but this night.. right now. Thank you, dear Lord, for your perfect timing.

      And now I am picturing Granny Summer in a track suit! :)