Hurt, deep hurt. Rather your hurt is self inflicted or your hurt is because of circumstances. I understand hurt. I know how to work so hard to mask the pain with unreliable resources. I know what it is like to put your hope in someone else's restoration only to be disappointed. I know what it is like to finally come out of the hurt and have life ripped out from under you only to hurt deeply again.
Have you ever cried from the pit of your stomach, you cry so hard that your body automatically retreats into the fetal position? Have you ever just set and stared into space while the world spins 100 miles an hour around you? This is hurt. How do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you keep fighting the good fight? How do you smile in a world that has brought so much hurt and so much pain?
Hit. Your. Knees.
I praise my Abba when he is able to clear my murky mind and give me word pictures. Most of the time I honestly don't get it. I read and I read and I just say well Lord, I didn't get that. Oh how he patiently, tenderly, gives it all to me...in His time.
Recently God has brought the word inheritance to mind. Romans 8:17 we are heirs of God and co-heirs of Christ. What in the world is our inheritance. Then a sermon from Matt Chandler at The Village. Yep, you did get the world, the earth as part of your inheritance (Revelation 20, 21). You get God, Abba, you call Him Father. (Psalm 73:25-26) We get resurrected imperishable bodies, praise God I will not have these knees for all eternity! (1 Corinthians 15:42). Did you also know that suffering is a part of this inheritance package (John 16:33). Suffering is the only one of these that we get all of it now and none it later.
Matt Chandler painted this picture of God as the great surgeon. When a surgeon cuts you open it truly is never to make you more sick. Most times than not, if a "good" surgeon thinks that the operation will do you more harm than good the surgeon will not follow through with the surgery. So it is with the Lord. When God wields the scalpel it is never an act of cruelty, it is an act of mercy.
Even in my darkest days through the pain, through the loss, through the anger, the bitterness I know I have a choice. I can choose to tug at the wound, I can gnaw at it, scratch it, reopen it. If I choose self reliant healing this wound will become infected, it becomes more painful. The pain and the infection will spread throughout my body. The wound itself will ooze filthy smelly liquids. My blood will become infected. This infection will eventually cause death. I can choose that.
Hit. Your. Knees.
I choose my Abba. I choose to acknowledge the wound. I choose to call my doctor to help me heal the wound. I follow up with all my appointments. I call him daily to make sure the dressing is applied properly. I ask him questions about it's progress. If it seems worse I go to him and talk to him about the wound, I describe the pain to him. I do not rely on myself to heal this wound, I am not the healer.
Kelsie is gone, I will never physically share this world with my daughter. I only had six months to share my life with hers and hers with mine. Were the events that took place October 13, 2011 an act of mercy?
YES! In that moment I realized that all my props that held up my world, where just that...props. I was a slave to myself. God's mercy, no matter how cruel you may think it is, it is mercy. Suffering is the only piece of His inheritance that we have to endure temparilary. I love my Abba and He loves me. He is my great surgeon and the wound that has ripped apart my life He is healing. I choose the great surgeon. In His soverignty I know that this wound, even in it's depth and length will create a maturity and a clinging to Him and it is in Him that I have hope and healing.
On. My. Knees.
Anchor of my soul. My refuge. My help. My love. My fruit. My joy.
Matt Chandler's Sermon "Sons and Slaves"