The gloominess of today, the fact that it is almost that time of the month for me, the days getting closer to Kelsie's first birthday, Kelsie's medical bills that I am still having to account for, work and all the unimportance of something that I have to pretend to take seriously, prayers, broken hearted praises, images of Kelsie smiling, fighting my way through tears, giving up the fight and just crying, constantly listening for God, longing for a rescue, fighting with Jeff, laughing with Jeff, loving Jeff, hating Jeff, not knowing what in the hell to do with Dylan, loving Dylan so much, praying to God that he takes me before he takes my son, what would Kelsie feel like today, what would she smell like today, scared to death to lose another child, wading through the voices in my head, the daily fight to separate grief from reality only to find out that the each exist together and the fight was for nothing, the never-ending tiredness from just one day, the loneliness of deep sorrow, wanting to share but knowing that God is the only one, wishing for more, wanting what I have to be enough, loving, forgiving, forgiving, loving, loving, forgiving second verse same of the first, seeing Kelsie for the first time, seeing Kelsie for the last time, images from all the times in between, wondering what she will look like when I see her again, the missing, the missing, the missing.And that my friends was just 3 minutes of the run on sentence that never quiets in a place called my head.
Summer....what you are feeling, thinking and experiencing is all a part of this crazy, unfair new normal we have to figure out. You are not unlike many other mothers who have had to go through this devastating tragedy, but....you are Full of the Joy and Love of the Lord...(its beams in you & through you) and that is something that so many I talk with daily struggle with. You are not mad at God, but humbling yourself before HIS will, which was to receive Kelsie home at the time that He did. You are engaging in all of the normal processes of grief and I know how much it hurts to think these thoughts but we must keep our eyes focused on the prize, the eternal promises of our Father. I am here whenever you want to vent or share any run on sentences...I have done so with you myself...we are "here" to lift up and support each other, and...we will~ Love you! Autumn
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs!! I wish there was something I could say. But instead I will continue to "stand in the gap" with and for you praying that God will provide the peace and the rest that you need.
ReplyDeleteI know that you know...
"God is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I am praying Romans 15:13 for you now my dear
"May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
You are not ALONE and though I cannot fully comprehend your life and circumstance I will listen anytime. I just want you to know you can call anytime.
There is nothing I can do or say to make any of this better. I pray for ya'll all day everyday, but today I am going to join Jaci and pray Psalms and Romans over you, Jeff and Dylan. I love ya'll so much and it is so hard being so far away.
ReplyDeleteMercyMe has a new song: When the Hurt and the Healer collide, It could have been written for you.
You are an inspriration for many and I know that is of no comfort, but I do know your downs are always going to be cushioned by God's Grace. I love you mom
Sweetheart - I wish so much that there was some way to help ease the pain for both of you. Know that everyday there are so many people that love you and pray for God's guidance to help you and Jeff find your way through.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of the strength that you both have shown. Your love and support for each other will continue to help. There are so many couples that are not as fortunate to have each other.
I love you both with all my heart. Donna/Nana.