Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Clarity in HD 1080p

1 2 3 4 and breathe...breathe a new day...breathe a new month...just breathe...

Yesterday started off so just plain yucky.  I knew I should have stayed away from all things social internet, but unfortunately there is no hiding from the world and the fact the all things keep moving.  It was Dylan's year for to be with Brad for Halloween, Jeff's mom left to Virginia yesterday evening so it was just Jeff, the puppy and I for Halloween.  We could have turned off our porch light, locked ourselves in bedroom and found a thousand reasons to sob, cried over the memories that play like a never ending movie loop in our head.  But we chose to laugh, to love...we chose each other.  We filled a yellow bowl full of candy, put on these ridiculous alien mask, and scared the begeezies out of a few trick or treators.  We watched Halloween specials, ordered pizza and held hands.   Life is still sweet and we still have so much to be thankful for.  I am so thankful to our God that He allows me moments of clarity to see life as it is right now and not always as I wish it was.  Grief is this non stop wave of deep emotion that comes and goes.  Sometimes is just the small waves that barely hit the ocean sand and other times it's this Tsunami that destroys everything in it's path but always in between is a calmness and sometimes I just have to sit a wait for the calm...I know it will come because it always has, it always does.


  1. I would imagine its second by second sweetie. I find my thoughts with you constanly. I pray for you many many times a day and wish I could just hug you. You are the strongest young woman that I know and I admire you for not closing your self up and withdrawing. You are my inspiration. I have no words of wisdom but I do have love and prayers. I was looking at pictures that I have of you and Jessica when you were little, many memories of your younger days as babies. Years have gone by but I love you and always will. Stay just the way you are and one day the calm will come. You are a blessing and one day, your calm will come again. Hug, hug, hug to you and your sweet family.

    Karen Millsap Olson

  2. i love you!! in the moments, hours and days when it is the hardest that is when Jesus is the closest. mom

  3. I have a small Grace for the Day calendar that I now keep in Aaron's room. It doesn't record anything except the date. On April 26, the very day he was killed over seven years ago, in my bathroom I read these words from Robert Louis Stevenson. "There is nothing but God's grace. We walk upon it; we breathe it; we live and die by it; it makes the nails and axles of the universe."

    I have never ever changed that calendar page. No words have ever touched me more. I pray something in them touches you today too.

    Eventually some sort of excitement for life will come again. That heavy mud on your boots will flake off. You'll never forget that you had to walk through the mud but it will become lighter, softer, sweeter, the journey itself, through the mud will become as a healing clay. Along the way, you'll notice things that others will miss because they are so ordinary. God himself will use each moment of hurt, anger, bewilderment and acceptance as a way to draw you into an intimacy with not only him, but with others. Your mom, your sister, your spouse and the puppies, the birds, the wind chimes, the death and resurrection of a flower will be all the more brilliant because of the new eyes he is planting inside that pretty little head of yours. You will see, you will see, oh, Summer, you will see. Ride those waves, sweet sister in sorrow, they will show you much here because now you are forced to look and one day, some giant wave will take you home to your daughter and the many who wait for us there.

    Yes, with enough breaths, there are brighter days ahead. Though you will always miss your darling baby girl, I do believe that one day you will not dread the journey. I believe you will look back on it as a time of the mysterious and the miraculous. Life and death is both of these.

    Loving you this day, this beautiful November day.

  4. It is a journey, not a walk in the park. It can't be rushed, but each day will bring you something, each nail, each axle, they are His design.

  5. I thought of you all day Summer. My heart hurts for yours.