October 25...My God where are you?

As my eyes open at 6:02 am they are so heavy, my heart is so burdened her memory is foggy.   Only awake for a minute, a tear rolls down my cheek as if it's been waiting all night to escape.  I whisper "my God where are you today?"  I can't feel His presence like in days past.  "Please don't leave me alone, not today, I am not ready"  I hear His whisper, "I am hear." but I still can't feel the presence, the arms of strength that have surrounded me since that day, that hour, that minute, the very second that my world stopped.  I look out the same window that I have looked out of for two years and I have never been so mad at what the world has given me to deal with.  I hate yes hate being mad, angry, because when these feelings boil to the surface, it's harder to see her smile, it's so difficult to tread my way through the pain and find her joy.  I knew this day would come, I just could have never imagined the pain would be so raw, the loss would be so lonely.  I know He is here but it is my turn to feel, it is my turn to heal.  It is my turn to pray.  So I pray, very simply...Lord do not let the fire, the flames of hate, of anger consume me.  I  can walk through the fire, I can tread through the river but the loneliness, the grief, the anger they can not consume me!  I am not that person.  Then, I kid you not, I open a book that someone had given me and the page I randomly turned to said...

Isaiah 43: 1-2 “Thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.”

"I told you I was here!"  ~God  (I added that part)

My day continued in heaviness and in loneliness.  My strength was weak and my mind was so foggy.  Even after hearing God, my day was filled of the raw emotions that grief is sure to bring anyone.  Today as I write the rawness has not left, the loss of my sweet daughter is an emptiness that I can't explain, a life left untold is the new normal that I will have to find my through.



These pictures were taken Oct 4.  We celebrated Jeff's birthday a day early so that we all could be there.  I made a zombie chocolate cake, Dylan gave Jeff the movie Sharktopuss and Kelsie gave her Dad a photo of her for his office.  I was a good night full of memories that will always be imprinted on my heart.