Thursday, August 22, 2013
Two weeks ago I felt this twinge of excitement, I didn't start my period. I always start right on time. I was having some spotting and a little bit of cramping but no period. So I called my Dr. she got me in Friday morning. My urine test showed negative, so they drew some blood and sent me on my way. A few hours after I left the Dr. I started what I thought was my period.
I forget about the test really because I had assumed I started my period. I had not told Jeff I had gone to the Dr. because I assumed it was not relevant at this point. I receive a call from the nurse congratulating me that I am pregnant. I told her I didn't think I was because I had started my period. She said your levels show that you are and she put me on the phone with the Dr. The Dr. had me come in right away to do another blood test and ultra sound.
My levels have almost tripled, I have a viable pregnancy. The Dr. advices me to call my OBGYN. So I call and let them know. I go in for additional blood work. They go over several reasons why some women bleed during their first trimester and that it is not uncommon. Google tells me this also.
I pick up the blood work orders from my OBGYN and proceed to get additional blood work done.
Jeff and I are so excited about this. We could not wait to tell our friends and family. It has been so long since "good" news has come from us. I had already told Jesika, so rather I wanted to or not my whole family knew. (love you sister, but it's true) So we told Dylan and Jeff's family that night.
Early morning call from my OBGYN confirms that my levels more than doubled in less than 24 hours and my progesterone levels looked fabulous. I am rocking and rolling. I told the nurse I was still bleeding and a little concerned. She said at this point all we can do it watch your blood levels so we scheduled another blood work order for Monday.
At this point the news has spread, we are so excited. We can't stop smiling. Jeff is already rubbing my belly, pampering me, monitoring my food intake (grrr), all the things that make him amazing!
I prayed for this baby, I begged God to allow this life to grow inside me. Give us the opportunity to hear this heartbeat, hold his or her tiny hands in mine, watch this baby take their first steps, kindergarten, high school gradation, and grandchildren. Please, Father, please!
Dr. calls with results from Monday's blood work. "I am so sorry Summer, your levels have dropped significantly you no longer have a viable pregnancy" Tears stream still from the heaviness of that sentence. The weight of death overwhelms me. For Jeff and I this makes two miscarriages. Two babies that we will never hold on this earth and one whose life was a whisper.
Crack heads have babies, perfectly healthy babies. I take prenatal vitamins, drink smoothies, exercise, no drugs, no alcohol, I tried I really really tried.
Faith in itself is truly supernatural and I truly believe that without the spirit of Jesus that lives within us we wouldn't have it. I know His flame resides in my heart. I hear His whispers and I see His hand in this, but I have to say it really sucks and the disappointments that Jeff and I continue to go through one right after the other makes life so confusing, so unpredictable, and so untrustworthy. The faith that I cling today, has nothing to do with my own strength, if it were up to me, I am sure I would have given up. The faith that I cling to today is His Spirit fighting for me while I have no other choice but to sit still in the heaviness of disappointment. All I can pray is a slight whisper, The Lord WILL fight for me, I need only be still. Do I believe it, sometimes yes, sometimes no but I when I doubt I just say it over and over. The enemy comes like a thief in the night to kill steal and destroy, but I come so that you may have life to the fullest. Full life, how do I believe in a full life when so much is taken. For the joy that was set before Him, Jesus endured the cross, scorning its shame. I need His Spirit, the Spirit that allowed Peter to walk on water, Lazarus to rise from the dead, Moses to part the red sea, I need that kind of supernatural strength just to see beyond what is given and what is taken away here on earth. Set my eyes beyond, set my eyes on the joy set before me. I have to believe in the path to Calvary, the sacrifice, I have to believe as the penitent thief did. It's critical for me to see beyond what this society has deemed "blessed" and to keep my eyes towards the hills, on God where all true blessings flow and for me, today, that kind of faith feels beyond my grasp.
Gracious and holy Father, give me wisdom to perceive You; intelligence to fathom You; patience to wait for You; eyes to behold You; a heart to meditate upon You; and a life to proclaim You, through the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, our Lord. ~Kay Arthur from Speak to my Heart God.