Can I please be honest here. I feel safe as my emotions pour out into words across this white screen with my spell check button just above to the right of this text box. The last three weeks have just utterly sucked. Every single day, pain, some moments it's numb and some times it is terrifying. PEOPLE this just goes on and on. I am not kidding it does. The missing just keeps missing. Oh the fog lifted I suppose, the fog of my absolute protective state of shock. Went to Sea World, it was terrible. Did we have fun, NOPE we did not. Our hearts dropped every time we saw a dad pick up his little girl, every time I saw a mom reach down to hold her daughter's hand. I almost lost it watching Shamu because I could just imagine the look on Kelsie's face if she had been there. I was furious at Dylan because he would not ride a roller coaster, threw a fit like a big three year old. Seriously; threw up my hands and stomped off. Great example but that's how I reacted. Family vacations...too soon...I think so. Take me back to Mexico in a kid less resort and unlimited Mojito's. Why do I keep trying to move on so quickly. It's not time it's just not. It has not even been a year not even a year. I am not committing to anymore trips this year I am staying in Dallas. I am done trying to do whatever I am doing, it's not working. I have one trip already planned at the end of September and that's IT! I am staying home and YES I am probably going to cry every single day for the rest of this year. I have a lot to cry about, a lot! Will I smile, YES, guess what I can smile and be in a million pieces on the inside. When people ask "How are you?" I know when someone asks that question and they are praying to God they don't have to hear the real answer, well lucky for you I can say OK and my insides are ripping my heart into shreds at the very same moment. Alone in my car tonight, I heard David Crowder sing these words:
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
‘Til we’re rising up
Let Your healing come
I scream to God, where is my healing. O God if I could I would be on my knees please God send it to me...puhlease! Tears poured from my puffy eyes, the groaning from my lips; something I had never heard. My breath was gone, and then it quickly returned, gone again, and then quickly returned.
A dear friend wrote these words in her blog, "Who are You?" I ask this question and this morning I read Exodus and this is the answer that I got. "I am who I am" (Exodus 3:14) I am who I am. That is who I am. The weight of glory filled my cup and in the same breathe tears fell slowly down each of my cheeks.
I have never in my life, with my lips and my heart, been so honest with God. He knows me, He knows the confusion. It is confusing, the confusion is frustrating. Sometimes I get stuck in this world that I want everyone to think I am in and the world that I am actually in. Thank goodness for God's grace, and for His lovingkindness. I am a wayward child. While I was in San Antonio I read through the Psalms. I felt every bit of that craziness.
"O God where are you?"
"O Lord I am pining away!"
"My bones are dismayed."
"Every night I make my bed swim."
"I dissolve my couch with tears."
"My eyes have wasted away with grief."
and then in the next breath
"O Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth."
"I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart"
"I will tell of your wonders."
"I will be glad."
and then back again
"Why do you stand afar off O Lord?"
"Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
and we're back
"I love you O Lord, my strength."
"I call upon the name of the Lord, who is worthy to be praised and I am saved from my enemies"
I thought, maybe just maybe, if God would speak to me like he spoke to Abraham, like he spoke to Moses. Then I actually read what they did when God spoke to them. I cried as my eyes danced across my God breathed pages and when I heard God speak to them. No doubt it was God and they still struggled everyone, starting with Abraham and getting as far as Joseph. After God spoke to Abram and told him he would bless him (Genesis 12:1-3) Abram told the Egyptians that his wife, Sarai, was his sister so that they would not kill him (Gensis 12:13). He feared the Egyptians after God told him he would be a blessed nation. Oh and Moses, with a staff in his hand and in the midst of a blazing non consumed bush, God speaks to Moses and says "Certainly I will be with you" (Exodus 3:12) God spoke this to Moses He tells Moses I will be with you and Moses asks the Lord "What if they will not believe me or they will not listen to what I say?" (Exodus 4:1) At this point I wanted to just shake him..."MOSES did you not hear God, he says certainly I am with you."
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) Beloved will you believe that I am the same God today that I was then. The same God that is with you and the same God that promises to bless you. I AM!
Righteousness does not connect to easy street, and the more I fall in love with my Abba the more I realize just how much my heart, my soul, my hurt, needs a Savior. I guess He knew this all along.