Silent grief is my world. I write because truly it is the only time I can lay it all out there and really express the "real" grief that most days overwhelms me. Even talking to God sometimes I try to sweeten my emotions. I want to protect people from my story, from my burden, from the sadness of loss so tragic.
Tragedy just keeps falling around me. Two days after my daughter died another friend lost her husband (Randall's Story). They have a family, a daughter and a new daughter, born after he passed away. Less than two months ago another baby tragically died in the arms of a mother who prayed for God's healing powers (Damon's Story). Death is all around me. Grief is a part of not just my journey but so many. As tragedy spreads like wildfire, I am left with this burning in my gut. It's this built up sensation that causes my blood to boil, my face to turn red.
This morning I have been up since 5:50 am. I sat outside and read three scriptures: joy comes in the morning (Psalm30:5), His promises are new every day(Lamentations 3:22,23), a covenant that God made with Noah after Gods wrath flooded the entire earth (Genesis 8:22). I was really upset at God this morning...upset...there I go sweetening the grief...I was pissed. I watch this new day come, literally, and I am the same as I was yesterday. I long, ache, yearn for the morning of October 12, 2011, I only want to be up at 5:50 for an early morning bottle. I want to wake up with Kelsie's sweet smell right under my nose and her warm body snuggled up right against my side. Ok If can't go back, at least You could come and take us home...please take us home!!
God knows that I am angry at Him, and although I have silenced this anger, He is very aware. The other night I was reading Isaiah chapter 1. God is angry...I mean angry. "your incense is detestable to me...i can not bear your evil assembles" (v.13). If you only believe in a loving God...just read chapter 1 in Isaiah that will change your mind. I even wrote in my journal after some time in prayer reflecting on this..."God, are you mad at me?" This morning in my fury God whispered to me, "I am not mad at you, I am mad with you". Read about My anger, My wrath. This sweet little box you stuff me in is NOT who I am. I detest wickedness. I grow weary of bearing the burdens of my children. Even an ox and a donkey know their masters, but My people don't understand." He understands anger, He understands anger in a way I do not. This is His creation and look around...really look...read the blogs I linked, it sucks! The earth is shouting, groaning through massive storms, earthquakes, tsunamis. His people are shouting, we groan, we ache for our home. We consistently mask these longings with anything that will temporally replace that longing...drugs, things, more things, adultery, idolatry. God knows this. It is not something He has never seen and He is angry just as He was all throughout the bible. I can't wait for this earth to be rolled up and made new...this one is terrible.
I want to protect God from this anger. I am kidding myself! Do I really think that my anger is so titanic that God would say, "Woah, this is too much. I think I will just co-pilot this one". I really am crazy! God has faced greater anger than mine! God's shoulders are broad
and powerful - God can certainly deal with my puny anger. I do not run the
risk of harming God with my anger. He is the creator...He created me with the emotion of anger. Every time I try to put God as my co-pilot He says..."eh, I don't think so, I am your pilot. TRUST me!!"
God is great. He is guiding me through this anger, and showing me His sovereignty, and all of His Spirit. One by one, holding me accountable, shaking my heart, holding my hand through Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
In my anger, I am learning more and more of who God is, and who He is in me. When my anger erupts, but I am able to exhibit self control (i.e. not having diarrhea of the mouth) that is the Holy Spirit. Patience in my circumstances and patience with people is a fruit I bear because of the Holy Spirit. The joy that comes is a gift from His Spirit. Love, I love my husband, my son, my family, my friends in this season, not because I am capable, but because He is! When I am less and He is more, my anger is-well just that...anger. I can bring that to God in each and every double sided, twisted emotion that I have. I give it to him, ok sometimes I may throw at Him, in return His spirit, His word guide me through and I come out the other side loving more and knowing more.